Saturday, March 26, 2011

Open Letter to The Monthlies

Dear Monthlies,

  We haven't spoken in a while, have we? How are you? Hope all is well. As for myself, I cannot complain. Normally. Right now, I could though.

  Usually when you arrive I do not complain very much. Or I haven't had to as of the last few years. Your visits are brief and you are normally very mild-mannered and grateful that I am letting you throw off my groove, if you know what I mean. You also throw me off-balance quite gently and are very accomodating about leaving everything the way it was when you arrived, given my attitiude about exercise when I have your company. As much as I appreciate your timeliness every month and kind indication that all is well and normal in utero, I really do have one request to make: Could you let up on the apetite changes a little?? I mean really! I understand that I am a big eater and require eating frequently to accomodate my fast metabolism so that I don't waste away, but is it really necessary that my apetite skyrocket up to preposterous heights?

  It is bad enough that fatigue and abdominal cramps prevent me from hitting the gym to maintain what little muscle mass I have spent three months working for. Now you have to make it worse by making my cravings for sweets increase one-hundredfold?? I must have eaten at least 600-800 calories worth of chocolate and cookies today! Oh, and let's not forget the 7-8 breakfast pastries I had for breakfast while at The Big Event this morning! Really not good for the health kick I've been on lately. I let you take residence in my endocrine system and wreak all kinds of havoc, including but not limited to potentially screwing up my personal relationships, and all I get in return is a bloated stomach and having to start my workout routine from square one. Thanks for nothing, really.

Your very bitter arch-enemy,


P.S. If I end up boarding up or tearing out the guest house any time in the next 15 years, you'll know why. Have a nice cycle.


  1. I feel you on this, boy do I! In fact, a few days before mine, I have to remember to eat tons of spinach and beets for all the iron.

    BUT! Don't feel too bad. We gain the 2-3 pounds because we BURN 500 calories a DAY while we menstruate. It's true! Our bodies are just prepping for the added calorie burn! (And if you think about having kids but worry about the weight gain, don't! Breast feeding burns 1,000/calories/day! My sister had twins, went from 130 to 200, and after birth went all the way back down to 115. (she had great arms too, from all the baby lifting:)

  2. Ahhh the female body in all its glory! Btw, I love your blog, Lira. It's very inspiring and helpful for actors like myself who are just getting started with breaking into the professional business. Thank you so much. You're an inspiration!