Saturday, April 21, 2012

Stupid-Girl-Wedding-Obsession Syndrome

  I really think I'm coming down with something. I have been hankering to make a pinboard dedicated to wedding stuff and I'm getting increasingly more annoyed with people my age getting engaged/married. It's happening. I'm becoming one of THOSE girls. You know what I'm talking about.
  After the romantic ideals of my last relationship never happened (a very rude awakening, I might add), I vowed to never become that girl. I vowed to be the smart, ambitious, independent woman who focused on her career, paid all her own bills and got her master's degree before even thinking about anything wedding related. I'm 22 years old, none of that has even nearly been accomplished, yet I'm being suckered into the commercialist romanticized ideas of the wedding industry and all things wedding. This is not good. What is wrong with me?! With the sky-high divorce rate and constant complaints about married life out of the mouths of married people, marriage scares me. Any inkling of having to settle down and give up my freedom makes me sick to my stomach.
  And I don't even like weddings that much. Like, at all. I think they are over-glamorized, materialistic, and start way more drama than they are supposed to. And they're expensive! I will admit though, they do give me a good excuse to make use of some of the dresses I otherwise have no use for, get creative with my hair and dance for a good five or so hours. But the whole reality of awkward forced interaction with people you don't know because you're all stuck together at the miscellaneous misfit table really just turns me off to them. Let's face it, we've all been that person of whom the lucky couple has no real attachment to who's really only there as a warm body to help fill the venue (Or because your groomsmen boyfriend needs a date... that jerk. I'm not bitter.).
  But I'd really like to know what's with the constant preoccupation with them? Girls obsess over their weddings from the time they are born because that's what we're supposed to do, according to fairy tales and society. I don't understand why girls see their wedding day as the be-all, end-all best day of their lives. Like it's some sort of rite of passage into real womanhood, right up there with reaching menarche. They obsess about the details of the wedding and some even yell at everyone within a 2-mile radius, but until the rings have been exchanged, the bouquet has been tossed and wedding night merriment has taken place, they never stop to think about the kind of marriage they're going to have after it's all said and done.
  What gets me even more is that in a woman's life, there will be several "best days" of her life, not just her wedding day. And it varies per woman, too (believe it or not!)! For some, the best days of your life will be the day you bring your children into the world, get to the top of the corporate ladder, or get noticed for an accomplishment that changes the face of humanity. For some the best days of your life will be high school or college (if that's the case, then I feel very sorry for you). And yes, for women who go into it for the right reasons, the day you join lives with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. But until then, we need to stop occupying ourselves with idealistic romantic notions and the perception that weddings are the key to happiness. Seriously, I'm getting suckered into it at a point in my life where I'm not ready. If it doesn't stop, I'm spending my life savings hiring a doctor to perform a mercy killing.

You all think I'm kidding.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Post-Show Withdrawal

  I am starting to go through show withdrawals since Rocky Horror closed this weekend. Mind you, the show will be opening in Orlando in three weeks, but I still have no freaking clue what to do with myself. I spent all week studying and basking in the idea of not having anything to do with my nights but relax and chill, but now that Friday has rolled around and I'm hanging out at home, everything is hitting me at once.

  I seem to have an unhealthy relationship with shows closing. Usually when a show closes, I start getting excited that I have nothing to do, but it's usually followed by some sort of depression where I question what I'm doing with my life and if I'm ever going to amount to anything. I proceed to pick my life apart and wonder why I'm not doing enough, why I'm so unimportant off the stage, why I'm unmotivated to make myself important off the stage, why I can't get myself a job, why companies are hiring stupid people over competent people like myself (some of the customer service here is so bad it blows my mind how these people get hired in the first place!), and when I'll ever amount to anything. It then turns into this drawn out period of boredom and self-loathing all because I have some sort of time void that I'm doing an awful job of filling.

  It's also a point in time where my brain kicks into overdrive about other things too. I've managed to come up with a list of goals for my summer, of which I am going to post soon enough, as well as a list of things that shouldn't freak me out but do anyway. The latter of those two is quite funny, I promise you. So funny that instead of posting an entire list, I'm going to just post them as they come to me A) because I like the idea of starting a series and B) because it gives me incentive to post on this thing regularly.

Goals For The Summer:

1. Work and save up money so I don't have to take out loans my last year of school
2. Sell most of the estate sale items that are piled up in the garage
3. Start auditioning for agents (this one gives me the worst anxiety... I'll touch on that later)
4. Hopefully do some films at FSU (completely out of my control, hence the keyword 'hopefully')
5. Webcam karaoke series on Youtube. I'm trying to get my voice out more for people to hear, because lezbehonest, I'm a far better singer than actor by far and I should be noticed for that first. However, due to my overly critical, perfectionistic nature, even after 18+ years of being a singer, posting videos of myself singing for EVERYONE to see makes me even more nitpicky than if I were to just perform live. I have managed to post a video of myself singing the National Anthem on Youtube. I'll post the link:
6. Keep up with my fitness routine and diet. This is crucial because it's the summer, it's gonna be 100 degrees out, and I need to keep my motivation to continue running.

Things That Shouldn't Freak Me Out But Do Anyway #1 and #2

1. Auditions. I believe I touched on this one on my Facebook status this morning. Auditions make me a nervous wreck. This has to do with being a perfectionist. I think it's carried over from my childhood, when I had anxiety and nerves about performing in front of people. I sang a solo in front of my church when I was in elementary school, and I haven't been the same since my mom played the tape back that afternoon and I listened to my own voice for the first time. I hated the sound of my voice, and because of that I didn't want to sing for my family when they asked. Listening to myself sing still makes me cringe, and I HATE watching myself act in plays, too. Watching the DVD of my performance in Evita scarred me for life. I think since that afternoon I've become my own worst critic and worst enemy, which in turn has sapped my potential to have fun at auditions. I'm getting better though, both at auditioning and handling auditions. Black Comedy callbacks last semester were a lot of fun, the most fun I've ever had at any audition.
2. ATM buttons at the FSU ATMs. I don't know if I'm the only one who's noticed this, but why do ATM buttons beep so loudly?! Or the ones on FSU's campus, anyway. Seriously! I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I'm withdrawing money from my bank account! God forbid someone hears the buttons and decides to stand looking over my shoulder for my account information. It's even worse if you have to withdraw cash at night, before you go to the movies or to a club or something. It's one of those things that screams "I have valuables! Come rob me!" Think about it!

I'm going to continue to post on things that freak me out as time goes on.

Please watch my video. It took a lot of courage to post that, and it's a wonder I've kept it up for almost a year without taking it down.