...sucked! I've yet to attend a class today that I know I'm going to like. Foods, Intermediary Metabolism, and Functional Anatomy and Physiology. Two of which are difficult classes, I might add. Now, I could very easily overlook the difficult aspect of these classes if I actually liked them. I usually know on the first day of class if it's a class I'm going to like. No such feelings today.
Which brings me to this question: Why am I still a freakin' dietetics major?? I hated it from the first day of Intro to Dietetics class last semester! I knew it wasn't for me the minute I set foot in the College of Human Sciences building during orientation. I had never felt so out of place. It didn't feel like the place for me, and still doesn't. The thing is, everyone in this field of study is looking to become a Registered Dietitian. They are excited, bright-eyed dedicated students that ask questions in class and strive to know every detail about the profession. They are driven. I'm not one of those students. I'm dedicated... to having a high GPA. That's it. I've made that achievement. But I'm smart. I can achieve a high GPA anyway. But if there's no drive, then there's no point.
I used to be very driven about helping others achieve full health through nutrition. The drive is gone, but the dedication is still there. I feel like an empty shell. I've felt like this for a long time now. I've never told anyone but Patrick until now. Now you know. It's because I'm constantly seeking approval from others. My parents. My friends. You name it. For the longest time I've always done what I should in regards to how it will affect other people in my life, but I've never looked to what's in my best interest. The only reason I'm doing dietetics is to make other people happy. I care too much what everyone will think if I do something else. I care too much what other people think period. But I can't keep worrying about what others think or about making them happy. I need to account for my own happiness before others' or else this is all I'm gonna be. A shell. Hard and hollow. There shouldn't be a nauseating wave of dread that sweeps over me whenever someone asks me what I'm studying in school. I should wake up in the morning excited to share what I can bring to the world, MY way. If I'm happy, then others will follow suit for me.
Are you an introvert? Do you prefer solitude over social interaction? Would you rather spend time indoors instead of outdoors? Do you tend to remain quiet in social settings as opposed to being the life of the party? Or are you an extravert? Are you a better speaker than listener? Would you prefer to spend your time around people as opposed to by yourself? Are you unable to last longer than 5 minutes without social interaction or activity of any kind?
It's funny how it's always one or the other. Either you are one extreme, or you are the other. It's been that way since I could remember. Chocolate or vanilla? White or Black? Hot or cold? Optimist or pessimist? Democrat or Republican? "You can only pick one." they say, and any middle-ground answers don't count. Personally, I've never been any extreme type of person. I've always looked at both sides and remained in the middle with mostly everything (I do prefer chocolate over vanilla though). I like black and white the same, I prefer temperate weather over hot or cold, I am a realist, and I am a libertarian (Don't even get me started on political parties. I will rant.). I don't really believe that life works in black and white. It would be far too simple if that were the case. There are so many gray areas, so many dimensions to explore that make life so complex.
I'm an ambivert. Ambiversion is a happy medium between introversion and extraversion. Ambiverts typically enjoy social interaction, but also value their solitude and seek a good balance of the two. Not too social, but not a loner. I'm smack-dab in the middle and that's how I like it.
Most people probably can't understand how I can be both an introvert and an extravert. I can see why. It makes me look fickle and inconsistent. It's more complex than that, really. I'm complex. Most would say I fall under extravert because I'm an actor. I can get up on stage and shamelessly make an ass out of myself and be whatever character I play and not care who is out in the audience gawking at me. My last big role was Eve Harrington in "Applause." She was a manipulative wolf in sheep's clothing who sleeps her way to the top in New York show business. She uses a lot of people, including her biggest idol, to get notoriety on Broadway. My character was a cruel little tart, the exact opposite of me. Yet I loved playing that character. I loved being that nasty little bitch who was seducing every man in her path to get what she wanted, and I didn't care who saw me make that transformation every night. That's the beauty of being a performer. I love to move people with my performances and get feedback, and I love interacting with the people I work with. I'm right in my element in front of that audience.
Put me out of my element, however, and a completely different person takes over. I'm a different person off the stage sometimes. I'm probably the quietest, most serious person you will see in the classrooms at school. I'm friendly, but a little uncomfortable with small talk. Speaking in front of the class or to the teacher in front of the class makes my stomach want to drop to the floor. My ability to make people laugh goes down the toilet. I don't ask questions or answer them in class, and I've only sat in the front row a total of twice in my entire educational career. I do get along with my other classmates, but it takes some time into the semester for me to develop the relationship. You can ask my chemistry teacher. It took me three semesters in her classes to come out of my shell! It wasn't until Organic Chemistry I that I actually engaged in classroom discussions and comfortably spoke in front of the class. Sadly, I've transferred to a university now where engaging in classroom discussions can be a big part of your grade. You have no idea how frustrating that gets. Especially when you're put on the spot. My brain goes blank and my ability to utter any intelligent answer seems to disappear. I sit there and stare with the most vacant look on my face. I wonder if they understand that there are people who don't like to speak freely and discuss the material in class, and that it's nothing personal.
Social situations are a lot more ambiguous. Depending on my comfort level with the people around me, I may float around to different groups and exchange pleasantries and jokes with the members of each group and have a grand old time, stick to a small group of two or three, or just sit quietly by myself. If they're theater people I've worked with, I'll gladly be the life of the party and make an ass out of myself and enjoy every minute of it. Sometimes I can go for hours. If I have friends I attend a big get together with, normally I stay with one or two of them and chat with them. It depends on how I feel. If I don't know anyone, I'm very reserved and keep to myself. I think making small talk is awkward and exhausting when I'm not around people I'm doing business with or immediately know, moreso with men than women (that's another rant I'll eventually post about).
Sometimes I need to go elsewhere where there's less people just to catch a breath of fresh air. I think a lot of people find it disturbing because they mistake it for being standoffish, when really I just want to enjoy a solitary moment to myself. They're relaxing. I'm really reserved when I hang around my boyfriend's friends. Most of the time I'm attached to Patrick's hip, just because I'm not super comfortable starting small talk with anyone. Just recently I've gotten more outgoing around them. Turns out that I get on well with a lot of people in the group! But even if I'm not being super chatty, I still enjoy being out and about with people.
I like to be alone, too. I prefer to practice my singing, dancing, and acting in solitude. Since middle school, I've used the time my parents were away at work to practice and just be a goofball. I feel like I can use that time to improve and fix my mistakes without somebody else injecting any unwarranted criticism. I also don't really like people seeing my work before it's finished; the best has yet to come, and it's waiting up my sleeve. I want to blow you away with the finished product, not give you a half-assed rehearsal where you can see my mistakes. But it's gotten so much harder as I've gotten older to have the singing/dancing/goofball hours because now I work and go to school and live with roommates. I normally do all my practicing in my car now. It's rare that I actually get to sing in the comfort and acoustics of my own home.
Honing my crafts aren't the only reason why I like my alone time, though. I need to unwind from work and my day. If I'm asked by a friend to go out somewhere after work, I have to know who's going and how many people are going. If it's a lot of people, it takes a little convincing to get me to go. I like smaller groups. I don't really fit into large groups unless I know everybody. I can be selective about social interaction. Look at it this way: I get a lot of it from my job (I do marketing for a chiropractor) and being a performer, so sometimes that quiet time by myself or with one or two people is necessary to keep me sane. It's not that I don't want to see anybody, it's just that I need my me time.
So, there you have it. Ambiversion in a nutshell. Yes, we probably make things more complicated than they need be. But I'm honestly happy to be that complicated happy medium girl. I get the best of both worlds, and a sense of understanding for introverts and extraverts alike.
This morning I woke up at 3 am to go audition for The Voice in Orlando. I signed up in May and posted about it a few entries back. This audition has been sitting in the back of my mind for about two months now. All this time and I was not prepared, I only chose my two songs the night before, and therefore did not know what to expect from my voice. I had only begun to practice just last night, after all.
The outcome was a lot better than I expected. I looked at the rules online, and apparently NBC takes their auditions for this show very seriously. They said to have two songs prepared, and dress in the best way that represents you as an artist, so no chicken costumes. Big relief for me! This means that the guy next to me in the obnoxious getup is not going to get picked over my actual talent. They also said to sing a capella, as they do with American Idol auditions. You can play an instrument in the callback audition, but not for the preliminary.
There were two auditions times, 7 am and 2 pm. I had the 7 am audition, hence the waking up at 3 am. My friend Caitlin and I carpooled the 2-hour drive together and waited in line at the hotel where the auditions were held forever. I almost didn't get let in because I dropped my driver's license in my car and forgot about it after taking it out of my wallet to show to the attendants at the parking garage guardhouse. Turns out, we got a free parking ticket because we were auditioning, so I didn't even need to show them my license and audition pass. I had to use my student ID because it would have taken us too long to return back to the parking garage to get my license. The guard almost didn't let me into the audition because my student ID didn't have my date of birth on it and he needed proof that I wasn't a minor. After a few minutes of watching me ransack my wallet for verification of my birthdate, he decided I was holding up the line and let me in.
After entering the building we walked down the hallway to a ballroom and waited forever in another line to register. At this point, Caitlin and I had gotten separated. I had a really dumb guy register me. He made me wait at the table forever after putting my wristband on and tried to make small talk with me about what I was studying. I stood there for ten minutes until I finally got to leave and go stand in line where they were putting us in our audition groups. I have to say that one of the most annoying parts of the audition was everyone singing in the line. Most of them were girls. Almost all of them sang "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele. I wanted to punch them.
The lines we were put in were the people we were going to be with for the duration of the audition. We were then put in a big room and sat with our line, and then we were moved to a smaller room where we sat with our line. I got on well with the two girls on either side of me and a girl in the row in front of me. I didn't think I would be speaking to a lot of people, but I actually liked the people I was sitting with; we were all really supportive of one another. We waited two hours until they finally called our row to audition.
The ten people in my row were sent into another ballroom where there was one producer from the show. She was really welcoming and the environment was very positive. We were called up individually to sing a verse and the chorus from our song. I took my turn, and nailed it. I sang "I Need You" by Leann Rimes. I mean it when I say I nailed it. No cracks or pitchiness and every note was on pitch. Eventually the rest of the group got to sing their pieces. Nobody was asked to sing their second choice. Nobody was called back from our group either.
Overall, this experience was much better than the one I had at American Idol auditions. We were out much sooner, and clearly NBC takes their auditions more seriously than Fox. They were looking for serious artists, not stupid, talentless idiots who only want their 5 seconds of camera time. If you are a serious artist looking to get somewhere or to really hone your audition skills, I would definitely recommend this over that. I'm very pleased with my audition.
Well, everything went really well with the Boca audition! The girl I was supposed to portray is supposed to be a bubbly, empathetic, college-aged girl who loves to help people. She is a bit of an idealist, because she says she wants to change the world in the beginning of the script. This girl was totally me. Totally. I read the script and checked it twice, went into the audition room radiating confidence and glowy, philanthropic essence. I was directed, redirected, and redirected again. It seemed like everything was set in stone that I got this role. I hit it off with them! I really did. They said I would hear from them at the end of Friday. It's Saturday. No call arrived, people!
I swear I did everything perfectly!
Except I didn't slate when they told me to. *faceDESK*
It's not as simple as it sounds. The camerawoman told me to slate my name and number, everyone else in the room began to talk to me and there was no lull in the commotion for me to do so. It happened so quickly that before I knew it, I was reading my lines. It's not technically all my fault, yet I still feel wholly responsible for screwing up my audition. Still, I didn't slate. The biggest film audition no-no.
So, this was in my last status on Facebook. My Tallahassee plans fell through. I called the cinematographer Saturday night to ask him what time I would need to be in Tallahassee Sunday morning and he cancelled. He had some paid projects coming up later in the week. He might reschedule shooting with me. MIGHT.
I need some film gigs to work out for me so I can have a reel. Gahh. Three more weeks to school. Three more weeks to school. And fall auditions.
I am waking up at 1:45 tomorrow and getting on the road by 4 for another audition in Boca Raton. I really hope it all works out. So does every other girl that is auditioning ;)