Saturday, March 26, 2011

Open Letter to The Monthlies

Dear Monthlies,

  We haven't spoken in a while, have we? How are you? Hope all is well. As for myself, I cannot complain. Normally. Right now, I could though.

  Usually when you arrive I do not complain very much. Or I haven't had to as of the last few years. Your visits are brief and you are normally very mild-mannered and grateful that I am letting you throw off my groove, if you know what I mean. You also throw me off-balance quite gently and are very accomodating about leaving everything the way it was when you arrived, given my attitiude about exercise when I have your company. As much as I appreciate your timeliness every month and kind indication that all is well and normal in utero, I really do have one request to make: Could you let up on the apetite changes a little?? I mean really! I understand that I am a big eater and require eating frequently to accomodate my fast metabolism so that I don't waste away, but is it really necessary that my apetite skyrocket up to preposterous heights?

  It is bad enough that fatigue and abdominal cramps prevent me from hitting the gym to maintain what little muscle mass I have spent three months working for. Now you have to make it worse by making my cravings for sweets increase one-hundredfold?? I must have eaten at least 600-800 calories worth of chocolate and cookies today! Oh, and let's not forget the 7-8 breakfast pastries I had for breakfast while at The Big Event this morning! Really not good for the health kick I've been on lately. I let you take residence in my endocrine system and wreak all kinds of havoc, including but not limited to potentially screwing up my personal relationships, and all I get in return is a bloated stomach and having to start my workout routine from square one. Thanks for nothing, really.

Your very bitter arch-enemy,


P.S. If I end up boarding up or tearing out the guest house any time in the next 15 years, you'll know why. Have a nice cycle.