Friday, January 4, 2013


"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
- Anais Nin

    One of my favorite quotes. I feel like Anais Nin was talking to me when I read this... even though she died in 1977, this was published sometime long before that, and I wasn't born until 1989, so in a weird talking-to-me-from-the-dead-but-not-really-way. Since November 2010, my entire life has been this quote, starting with the day I got my acceptance letter from Florida State. Since then, I've moved a lot from Tallahassee to home several times, got a job, built my acting resume, changed my major, met and worked with some amazing people, loved with all my heart and lost part of it. In the summer I'm going to graduate and then things will change even more. I was excited for it, but fear and apprehension have come into the mix. My world had been turned upside down when an unexpected situation ending 2012 left me with a terrible start to the new year (pardon the vagueness, but I'm choosing not to go into detail out of respect and discretion).
    My biggest goal this year is to take this painful situation and use it as a lesson for self-improvement. This is a new time for me to heal and grow from it. Truth be told, I'm really not the woman I'd like to be right now. Before I go on, please understand that I am not at all trying to make anyone overlook my good and redeeming qualities, but rather understand where I need work. That said: I'm insecure, indecisive, and a perfectionist. I talk myself down too much, and I hold back out of fear. Worst of them all, I talk negatively about myself to people and sometimes take my insecurities out on others. It's pretty bad and embarrassing to admit to, on a public blog, no less. It has caused many a headache and has resulted in heartache that probably could have been avoided had I fixed them sooner. It is incredibly painful.
    One of the reasons why we hurt is because it is a sign that something has to change. In the midst of all the anxiety and tears, we have to take a step back and realize what is wrong. Sometimes it's our own issues, undue fear or worry, or simply bad timing. Instead of dwelling on what might have been, we must focus on what can be and how we can get there. I was repeating unhealthy and unbecoming patterns of behavior that had become habit from past situations and it was carrying over to my present. It was smothering me and the people around me. I'm incredibly sad and disappointed that things have to happen as they are, but I need to learn to let go first before anything can continue or happen. Maybe I need to hurt for a little while before I can experience joy again. Only then can I let go of the worry that is not serving me well, and forget about what has happened. It cannot change and there is no use blaming myself or letting it affect me anymore.
    We can hold on to those toxic things and stay inside that shell, but in the end it's only hurting us more than just letting go and being free. Only then can we feel hopeful and find out what's waiting for us.