Friday, April 20, 2012

Post-Show Withdrawal

  I am starting to go through show withdrawals since Rocky Horror closed this weekend. Mind you, the show will be opening in Orlando in three weeks, but I still have no freaking clue what to do with myself. I spent all week studying and basking in the idea of not having anything to do with my nights but relax and chill, but now that Friday has rolled around and I'm hanging out at home, everything is hitting me at once.

  I seem to have an unhealthy relationship with shows closing. Usually when a show closes, I start getting excited that I have nothing to do, but it's usually followed by some sort of depression where I question what I'm doing with my life and if I'm ever going to amount to anything. I proceed to pick my life apart and wonder why I'm not doing enough, why I'm so unimportant off the stage, why I'm unmotivated to make myself important off the stage, why I can't get myself a job, why companies are hiring stupid people over competent people like myself (some of the customer service here is so bad it blows my mind how these people get hired in the first place!), and when I'll ever amount to anything. It then turns into this drawn out period of boredom and self-loathing all because I have some sort of time void that I'm doing an awful job of filling.

  It's also a point in time where my brain kicks into overdrive about other things too. I've managed to come up with a list of goals for my summer, of which I am going to post soon enough, as well as a list of things that shouldn't freak me out but do anyway. The latter of those two is quite funny, I promise you. So funny that instead of posting an entire list, I'm going to just post them as they come to me A) because I like the idea of starting a series and B) because it gives me incentive to post on this thing regularly.

Goals For The Summer:

1. Work and save up money so I don't have to take out loans my last year of school
2. Sell most of the estate sale items that are piled up in the garage
3. Start auditioning for agents (this one gives me the worst anxiety... I'll touch on that later)
4. Hopefully do some films at FSU (completely out of my control, hence the keyword 'hopefully')
5. Webcam karaoke series on Youtube. I'm trying to get my voice out more for people to hear, because lezbehonest, I'm a far better singer than actor by far and I should be noticed for that first. However, due to my overly critical, perfectionistic nature, even after 18+ years of being a singer, posting videos of myself singing for EVERYONE to see makes me even more nitpicky than if I were to just perform live. I have managed to post a video of myself singing the National Anthem on Youtube. I'll post the link:
6. Keep up with my fitness routine and diet. This is crucial because it's the summer, it's gonna be 100 degrees out, and I need to keep my motivation to continue running.

Things That Shouldn't Freak Me Out But Do Anyway #1 and #2

1. Auditions. I believe I touched on this one on my Facebook status this morning. Auditions make me a nervous wreck. This has to do with being a perfectionist. I think it's carried over from my childhood, when I had anxiety and nerves about performing in front of people. I sang a solo in front of my church when I was in elementary school, and I haven't been the same since my mom played the tape back that afternoon and I listened to my own voice for the first time. I hated the sound of my voice, and because of that I didn't want to sing for my family when they asked. Listening to myself sing still makes me cringe, and I HATE watching myself act in plays, too. Watching the DVD of my performance in Evita scarred me for life. I think since that afternoon I've become my own worst critic and worst enemy, which in turn has sapped my potential to have fun at auditions. I'm getting better though, both at auditioning and handling auditions. Black Comedy callbacks last semester were a lot of fun, the most fun I've ever had at any audition.
2. ATM buttons at the FSU ATMs. I don't know if I'm the only one who's noticed this, but why do ATM buttons beep so loudly?! Or the ones on FSU's campus, anyway. Seriously! I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I'm withdrawing money from my bank account! God forbid someone hears the buttons and decides to stand looking over my shoulder for my account information. It's even worse if you have to withdraw cash at night, before you go to the movies or to a club or something. It's one of those things that screams "I have valuables! Come rob me!" Think about it!

I'm going to continue to post on things that freak me out as time goes on.

Please watch my video. It took a lot of courage to post that, and it's a wonder I've kept it up for almost a year without taking it down.