Since moving away to college, I've made some fairly recent discoveries about myself that I never would have known had I not stepped out of my comfort zone and left home. Several of these said discoveries have been posted in this blog at one point or another (If you want a good example, please the read my very long-winded past blog "The Ambivert's Point of View".). One thing I've learned is that I'm not really as big an extravert as I thought. Another is that I don't belong in the sciences. Third of all, and I'm pretty sure everyone who's known me for a good long time knew this before I did, I lack a lot of social graces, and thus either stay very quiet, or attempt to remove any traces of formality from my interactions with people by pointing out just how awkward/annoying/ditzy/you-name-it I am. I feel that after spending years as a socially awkward, semi-introverted weirdo, I have had enough life experience in this department to come to this conclusion about myself: In most social situations that I put myself in, there is always one person in the room that hates me. Go ahead and have a laugh, but it's true.
Everything about this post reeks of paranoia to most of you. I mean, really. How can there be one person that hates you EVERYWHERE you go? I know that's what you're thinking. But it's true. I know this because it's happened several times before. Sometimes it's wholly undeserved. For example, the younger sister (who I'd never met before that night, mind you!) of a friend of mine being rude to me and whispering hateful things to her friends about me because she had a mad crush on my boyfriend at the time. Or my ex-friend (who I refer to as my "frenemy") constantly talking trash about me for everything I did, mostly pertaining to my musical theater performances in school out of jealousy. And don't even get me started on my ex-roommate last semester. There's more, but I need not go on lest this post take up more of your precious time.
Most of the time it is deserved though. Putting my foot in my mouth is a regular occurrence. So regular, I should consider making it a hobby just for kicks. I have this dry sense of humor that, upon first impressions, is very off-putting to those who don't know me. I'm occassionally a bit too blunt for the general population's liking. This has been pointed out to me by everyone close to me. My boyfriend, my mom, my dad, my grandparents, you name them, chances are they've brought it up. As a result, somebody ends up disliking me. They may not make it known right then and there, but I can tell by the uncomfortable aura dwelling in the air, or the comments made so matter-of-factly by someone about it sometime afterwards. Take my mom's friend, for example. My family and I went out blueberry picking on a sunny, very hot, very humid day in Florida and we met up with anonymous friend. In making small talk and trying to exchange pleasantries, she asked me how I like blueberry picking. I respond with "I'm indifferent." There was also the uncomfortable argument my mother and I had about her not letting me audition for Royal Carribbean because she was afraid I'd drop out of school. Yeahhh. I remember trying to be funny and silly after those lapses in basic interaction etiquette, and my mom saying, "We're trying to have a conversation here! Can't you go somewhere else?" Or something along those lines. Although it was quite humorous looking back and is a running joke between my mom and her anonymous friend, I'm almost positive she thinks I'm a snot.
That story barely scratches the surface as far as my socially inept self goes. There was also a rather obnoxious comment I previously made to my roommate today, too, with the intention of being humorous, of course. Again, with the off-putting dry humor. I wonder if she secretly hates me too, as we live together and inevitably every one of my flaws has reared its ugly head at one time or another. It really doesn't need to be discussed as I'm a bit embarassed. AND just last night I was told by my boyfriend that we need to work on my diplomacy in talking to people. There are countless other examples, but I need not go on lest this post take up even more of your precious time.
I've been making an effort to apologize, or clarify what I mean when I come off as too blatant, however it doesn't seem to soften the blow of realizing that I've irritated yet another person. Sometimes I try using "I don't give a shit if I've offended you" to try and grow a backbone about it. That doesn't work, either. There's still that recurring thought in my mind that tugs at me that I possibly unintentionally burned a bridge just by being my awkward self.
Or maybe it only seems this bad to me because I'm on the inside looking out. Maybe if I tried to stand outside and look in I could see a tiny inkling of potential social grace. But who am I kidding?
Perhaps this is the reason for my sudden introversion. I think sometimes I should swear off social interaction and just take up writing, or perfecting my craft as a performer. Just bury myself in my work. Maybe if I just keep quiet and not say much, I won't have to struggle with my embarassing, uncanny lack of tact and/or common sense, and maybe my undiscovered hidden brilliance can speak for itself in my acting and writing. I mean, most creative geniuses are a little eccentric and socially retarded, right?
Having friends and being liked is overrated anyway...