Having One of Those Days...

  I'm having one of those days. The kind where you sit and panic. Just panic because you don't know what to do or where to go or anything. And worry. And yes, even cry a little. One of THOSE days. The kind where your throat feels like it's going to close up and you won't be able to breathe because you're so overwhelmed and overwrought with responsibility that to even let yourself inhale a tiny bit would be irresponsible. The kind where it seems like everyone is ten steps ahead of you and you can't catch up because there is no way to determine which way to go. The kind where it might not matter if you disappeared suddenly because you may never have anything to show for your existence.

  Today is ending very quickly on a sour note. It's all my doing. I kind of feel like a hopeless sad sack of a person. I'm a junior in college and it kind of looks to me like I'm the only one who still has no clue what to do with my life or any inkling of direction. Everyone has this clear-cut path of what they want to do with their careers, and here's pathetic ol' me, who gets this overwhelming feeling of dread when I anticipate somebody even asking me what I'm studying in school. And they do and I'm forced to talk about it because if I don't there will be some sort of repercussion for it. "Well, I'm studying dietetics. But I'm changing my major because I don't like it." "Oh. To what?" It's at this point that I want to punch their lights out for being so nosy. Seriously! Where do they get off prying into my life and insisting I tell them my life story?? Are they writing a freakin' book?! I normally hesitate with telling them I'm an actor because then I'd have to await the condescending "Oh, you'll never do anything with that!" comment that I've heard all too much. It's even worse when I have to break it to people that I really don't know what I want to study in school. Me. A junior in college. Three years of school and still no idea. On top of that I'm broke as f***! It really sucks. How can I stop being broke if I don't know how I'm going to stop being broke?

  And, to get this out of my system publicly while I'm here and it's relevant (HINT HINT), it really doesn't help when some of you ask and then think it's your place to scrutinize me and tell me what I should and shouldn't do! Mind your damn business! Who asked for your input?! Like there isn't enough pressure from my parents and the real world itself to keep up with. I get that you just want to be helpful, but the truth is... you're not! So stop it!

  I'm really trying to stay positive and I keep reminding myself that I'm not the only broke college student who is struggling to find a purpose outside of their creative talents. I try to keep telling myself that someday this will all have been worth it. I keep telling myself that I will eventually amount to something and not feel like such a joke.

This song helps a lot too. This guy is pretty hot ;P

Andy Grammer - Keep Your Head Up

Stuff You Don't Care About

It's late and I have to make this brief so I can sleep, so I'm just going to list everything about today that has happened.

1. Having to replace all my tires on my car, spending $360 altogether for those and my alignment. This came out of my savings. I am now putting myself on money lockdown so I can build my nest egg back up before school starts and I have to job search.
2. Panicking about what will happen if I can't find a job and what other shit I'm going to have to pay for and deal with back at school, and whether or not I really will have my life under control accordingly.
3. Having to tell my poor mother that I can't stay at her house with her because her smoking in the house is too much for me, when I really just want to go back to my mommy's.
4. Finding out that my schedule clashes with the filming schedule of the short I was supposed to be in, and now I can't be in it. I guess getting my first screen cred is still not happening.
5. Being told by the producer that the director and production team really want to work with me in future projects because I was in the top 3 people they chose for the role I was supposed to play. They liked me a lot.
6. Being called by another student production team and asked to be an extra for a film. I can't do it because I can't afford to keep driving up to Tally and back (before the other short fell through).
7. Getting into the residence hall I wanted for the fall. It's a two-story townhouse with two bedrooms and one bath, a kitchen and living room with a study area upstairs. I get three roommates. I'm bound to become good friends with one of them!
8. Spending the day with the love of my life and a lovely other couple today mini golfing, eating Olive Garden, and looking for hermit crabs at Pine Island.
9. Having my evening made by a group of little kids behind us watching the sunset and yelling:
Little Kid #1: Bye, Sun! Have a good time in China!
Little Kid #2: Bye, Sun! Have a good time in New Jersey!

Ok, so maybe there were more positives than negatives happening today, but so much has gone on that I don't know what to make the day at all. I still have an exam to study for, too...

Short Film Gig!

 So, to post an update on the short film (my third post today!), I will be filming in Panacea, FL next week! I have a bit role, and the first line of the film (it's also my only line). I can't post anything else on the film because I don't want to give away too much. As soon as it's finished I will post it everywhere for everyone to see and such... maybe.

Good Things Are Coming For Me. Who's Waiting.

 Ahhhhhhh!! I just got a call for a thesis film that's shooting in the beginning of June! Unfortunately I'm not available for most of the dates they're filming. Gahh!

 The director will call me if the days I am available will work out. Fingers crossed. I feel like I'm getting closer.

 Will Lexi eventually get her screen creds? Keep tuning in periodically to find out stuff.

The Music Man

I made the ensemble! Wheeeeeeeeeeee! I've already posted this on Facebook 7,894,865,766 times!!! The first rehearsal is tomorrow from 2-9. 7 hours! 7 hours to do what I love the best!

In other news, I figured out why I end up broke so quickly. Apparently they charge me $10 overdraft protection fees when I have insufficient funds in my checking account. Now, I thought I was avoiding that by setting my account to take money out of my savings and automatically transferring it to my checking, which they do. But they are charging me an overdraft protection fee. I'm $10 short of what I got paid this week because I didn't transfer funds in time. I'm an idiot. An idiot who needs to pay more attention to her bank account.

You don't care! Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!

Someone save me from studying, please.

Update on Stuff

  I know I said I was going to post on my "diet" (in parentheses because it's not technically a diet, per se) and I haven't. I said I was going to post daily for the first two weeks, and then weekly for however long I feel like it. I'm sorry, but that's way too much work. I posted one day, and I was about to finish Day 2, but I didn't have time. Let's face it, I have a life. I really don't want to take the time to write everything I eat and write all the calories down and my qualitative feelings and crap on this blog for three or four people to read. I can't do it. But I will tell you it is going really well. I've been eating a lot of veggies, and drinking only water and tea. I don't typically drink soda, and I gave up coffee because it's too acidic for my voice. As a singer/actor, I need to take care of my instrument.

  It's sad and a bunch of crap. I really want to see a study that specifically shows any long-run damages to the throat done from drinking coffee every day. But I digress...

  So, I've been eating a lot of veggies and fruit, and I've been letting myself indulge in something sweet or junkie every so often. I am never as ravenous as I used to get because of all the fiber and stuff. I don't feel full after I eat, nor am I sluggish. The only thing I need to work on is bringing food with me when I go to work or somewhere for a long period of time. I had auditions for "The Music Man" Sunday. I ate at 12, got to the audition at 2, and didn't get home till 9 (I would have gotten home sooner, but had to pick up a prescription, which involved calling my insurance company to override them not covering it at retail level and other crap. I'm going off on a parenthetical tangent...). I stopped at Jason's Deli and got a huge sandwich because I was starving. If I had just brought food to munch on during the audition, I would not have spent $7 on that sandwich. Just sayin'...

  Oh, and today I think I realized how little I really need sweets. I ate a chocolate creme doughnut that I'd been craving for about two months now. I never thought I would see the day when doughnuts would become too sweet for me. It's bittersweet, really.

  I'll be doing myself and my body a favor though...

  In other news, I kicked ass at "The Music Man" auditions. It's about freakin' time I had a productive audition. Normally I don't consider myself a good dancer, in the event that I have a disappoiting audition and people know not to get their hopes up. But I did really well at the dance audition. Like, REALLY well. I was one of four people in our group that was asked to stay so they could see what else we are capable of. And my singing audition was phenomenal as well. I don't really like to toot my own horn, but I haven't had a good audition like this in months, so I think a good self horn-tooting is in order. I got a callback, and I go back tomorrow. I really wanna be cast as Marion the librarian. It would be a change from all the whorish characters I've played in the last two years or so. Even if I don't get the role, being in the chorus will be fun, too. I will get to play a bunch of different characters and dance! I haven't done that since my sophomore year when our high school did a production of "Anything Goes." Either way, I'm in a win-win situation :)

To put this out in the open...

  Remember how I said I was auditioning for student films in April? Well, I did. Since then I haven't said a word about it.

  I haven't really posted anything in here about my acting other than mentioning in one entry that I was auditioning for a bunch of things. I guess I haven't posted anything because there's really nothing to post. I'm going through a huge dry spell and sad to admit it. Well, I did. Right there. I skipped out on auditioning for plays at school because it was my first semester and I wanted to get acclimated to the campus and not get into too much too soon. Pretty simple, right?

  I auditioned for student films. It's easy. You get to pick from a bunch of sides they had on a table in a room and then you go upstairs and read from the side on camera. They keep your audition clip in their database and student directors call you back based on your audition, if they like you.

  A while ago I posted on Facebook that I had all these awesome summer plans, all of which fell through, by the way. I specifically said that there was something awesome possibly lined up for me, but I didn't say anything further because I didn't want to disappoint anyone if it didn't happen. And it didn't. So I said nothing further. But I feel like I should put it out in the open because it was quite exciting, even if it did fall through.

I got called back for a student film. A callback! ME!

  I got a callback for a student film. I didn't even think I did well enough at my general audition to even get anything. Apparently I did something right. I read from the side for the director, who was an MFA director, and that was it for my callback. It didn't happen for me. He said "We'll be in touch within the next few days." That was in April. He was supposed to be filming last week. Yeah, it fell through. I had a feeling it would.

  I was a bit down about it. Not about the film specifically, but because everything else fell through and on top of it I had no money or job and not a lot of people to turn to up there. I think I thought by telling people, they would think something was wrong with me and that I wasn't much of an actor if I couldn't get the part. It was my own problem within myself.

  I was viewing this rejection as the glass being half-empty instead of half-full. Instead of being happy that I got a callback, I was pissed cause I didn't have anything going for me. I felt inadequate because everything fell through. But I know I'm not. That's just the business. There's more rejection than job opportunities. It sucks. Realistically I'm going to have to work for a living to pay the bills. Most actors and models do. That's just the way it is. Time to shake it off and keep trying.

Besides, getting a callback is freaking awesome in itself! I'm that much closer :D