Thursday, October 27, 2011
I may as well...
... consider this thing as my own private journal. Nobody ever reads it! (Cue cuss words and innappropriate content)
Monday, October 24, 2011
My Hater Senses Are Tingling
Since moving away to college, I've made some fairly recent discoveries about myself that I never would have known had I not stepped out of my comfort zone and left home. Several of these said discoveries have been posted in this blog at one point or another (If you want a good example, please the read my very long-winded past blog "The Ambivert's Point of View".). One thing I've learned is that I'm not really as big an extravert as I thought. Another is that I don't belong in the sciences. Third of all, and I'm pretty sure everyone who's known me for a good long time knew this before I did, I lack a lot of social graces, and thus either stay very quiet, or attempt to remove any traces of formality from my interactions with people by pointing out just how awkward/annoying/ditzy/you-name-it I am. I feel that after spending years as a socially awkward, semi-introverted weirdo, I have had enough life experience in this department to come to this conclusion about myself: In most social situations that I put myself in, there is always one person in the room that hates me. Go ahead and have a laugh, but it's true.
Everything about this post reeks of paranoia to most of you. I mean, really. How can there be one person that hates you EVERYWHERE you go? I know that's what you're thinking. But it's true. I know this because it's happened several times before. Sometimes it's wholly undeserved. For example, the younger sister (who I'd never met before that night, mind you!) of a friend of mine being rude to me and whispering hateful things to her friends about me because she had a mad crush on my boyfriend at the time. Or my ex-friend (who I refer to as my "frenemy") constantly talking trash about me for everything I did, mostly pertaining to my musical theater performances in school out of jealousy. And don't even get me started on my ex-roommate last semester. There's more, but I need not go on lest this post take up more of your precious time.
Most of the time it is deserved though. Putting my foot in my mouth is a regular occurrence. So regular, I should consider making it a hobby just for kicks. I have this dry sense of humor that, upon first impressions, is very off-putting to those who don't know me. I'm occassionally a bit too blunt for the general population's liking. This has been pointed out to me by everyone close to me. My boyfriend, my mom, my dad, my grandparents, you name them, chances are they've brought it up. As a result, somebody ends up disliking me. They may not make it known right then and there, but I can tell by the uncomfortable aura dwelling in the air, or the comments made so matter-of-factly by someone about it sometime afterwards. Take my mom's friend, for example. My family and I went out blueberry picking on a sunny, very hot, very humid day in Florida and we met up with anonymous friend. In making small talk and trying to exchange pleasantries, she asked me how I like blueberry picking. I respond with "I'm indifferent." There was also the uncomfortable argument my mother and I had about her not letting me audition for Royal Carribbean because she was afraid I'd drop out of school. Yeahhh. I remember trying to be funny and silly after those lapses in basic interaction etiquette, and my mom saying, "We're trying to have a conversation here! Can't you go somewhere else?" Or something along those lines. Although it was quite humorous looking back and is a running joke between my mom and her anonymous friend, I'm almost positive she thinks I'm a snot.
That story barely scratches the surface as far as my socially inept self goes. There was also a rather obnoxious comment I previously made to my roommate today, too, with the intention of being humorous, of course. Again, with the off-putting dry humor. I wonder if she secretly hates me too, as we live together and inevitably every one of my flaws has reared its ugly head at one time or another. It really doesn't need to be discussed as I'm a bit embarassed. AND just last night I was told by my boyfriend that we need to work on my diplomacy in talking to people. There are countless other examples, but I need not go on lest this post take up even more of your precious time.
I've been making an effort to apologize, or clarify what I mean when I come off as too blatant, however it doesn't seem to soften the blow of realizing that I've irritated yet another person. Sometimes I try using "I don't give a shit if I've offended you" to try and grow a backbone about it. That doesn't work, either. There's still that recurring thought in my mind that tugs at me that I possibly unintentionally burned a bridge just by being my awkward self.
Or maybe it only seems this bad to me because I'm on the inside looking out. Maybe if I tried to stand outside and look in I could see a tiny inkling of potential social grace. But who am I kidding?
Perhaps this is the reason for my sudden introversion. I think sometimes I should swear off social interaction and just take up writing, or perfecting my craft as a performer. Just bury myself in my work. Maybe if I just keep quiet and not say much, I won't have to struggle with my embarassing, uncanny lack of tact and/or common sense, and maybe my undiscovered hidden brilliance can speak for itself in my acting and writing. I mean, most creative geniuses are a little eccentric and socially retarded, right?
Having friends and being liked is overrated anyway...
Everything about this post reeks of paranoia to most of you. I mean, really. How can there be one person that hates you EVERYWHERE you go? I know that's what you're thinking. But it's true. I know this because it's happened several times before. Sometimes it's wholly undeserved. For example, the younger sister (who I'd never met before that night, mind you!) of a friend of mine being rude to me and whispering hateful things to her friends about me because she had a mad crush on my boyfriend at the time. Or my ex-friend (who I refer to as my "frenemy") constantly talking trash about me for everything I did, mostly pertaining to my musical theater performances in school out of jealousy. And don't even get me started on my ex-roommate last semester. There's more, but I need not go on lest this post take up more of your precious time.
Most of the time it is deserved though. Putting my foot in my mouth is a regular occurrence. So regular, I should consider making it a hobby just for kicks. I have this dry sense of humor that, upon first impressions, is very off-putting to those who don't know me. I'm occassionally a bit too blunt for the general population's liking. This has been pointed out to me by everyone close to me. My boyfriend, my mom, my dad, my grandparents, you name them, chances are they've brought it up. As a result, somebody ends up disliking me. They may not make it known right then and there, but I can tell by the uncomfortable aura dwelling in the air, or the comments made so matter-of-factly by someone about it sometime afterwards. Take my mom's friend, for example. My family and I went out blueberry picking on a sunny, very hot, very humid day in Florida and we met up with anonymous friend. In making small talk and trying to exchange pleasantries, she asked me how I like blueberry picking. I respond with "I'm indifferent." There was also the uncomfortable argument my mother and I had about her not letting me audition for Royal Carribbean because she was afraid I'd drop out of school. Yeahhh. I remember trying to be funny and silly after those lapses in basic interaction etiquette, and my mom saying, "We're trying to have a conversation here! Can't you go somewhere else?" Or something along those lines. Although it was quite humorous looking back and is a running joke between my mom and her anonymous friend, I'm almost positive she thinks I'm a snot.
That story barely scratches the surface as far as my socially inept self goes. There was also a rather obnoxious comment I previously made to my roommate today, too, with the intention of being humorous, of course. Again, with the off-putting dry humor. I wonder if she secretly hates me too, as we live together and inevitably every one of my flaws has reared its ugly head at one time or another. It really doesn't need to be discussed as I'm a bit embarassed. AND just last night I was told by my boyfriend that we need to work on my diplomacy in talking to people. There are countless other examples, but I need not go on lest this post take up even more of your precious time.
I've been making an effort to apologize, or clarify what I mean when I come off as too blatant, however it doesn't seem to soften the blow of realizing that I've irritated yet another person. Sometimes I try using "I don't give a shit if I've offended you" to try and grow a backbone about it. That doesn't work, either. There's still that recurring thought in my mind that tugs at me that I possibly unintentionally burned a bridge just by being my awkward self.
Or maybe it only seems this bad to me because I'm on the inside looking out. Maybe if I tried to stand outside and look in I could see a tiny inkling of potential social grace. But who am I kidding?
Perhaps this is the reason for my sudden introversion. I think sometimes I should swear off social interaction and just take up writing, or perfecting my craft as a performer. Just bury myself in my work. Maybe if I just keep quiet and not say much, I won't have to struggle with my embarassing, uncanny lack of tact and/or common sense, and maybe my undiscovered hidden brilliance can speak for itself in my acting and writing. I mean, most creative geniuses are a little eccentric and socially retarded, right?
Having friends and being liked is overrated anyway...
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Only By Coincidence?
Before you read this, please take into consideration what you are about to read. By posting this, I am only contributing to the surplus of useless information that we have on the internet, and reading this post will cost you a few good minutes of your day that you cannot get back. This is so absolutely useless to you that you might want to be sure there is nothing better for you to do in the five minutes it takes to read it. Just know that.
Without further ado...
There's this saying in the world of women that goes along the lines of: You know it's going to be a good day when your underwear matches your bra.
My question is does that still count if you match your underwear to your bra on purpose? Or does it only count if it's accidental? Because I did it on purpose today and it's been a rather humdrum day in the life, if not a little weird towards the end.
Around 12:30, going on my 2nd hour on Facebook, I decided that nothing was going to get done if I was spending my time on the internet sitting in bed. I got up and changed my clothing from a really comfortable top into a black turtleneck, black pants, and heels, thinking because it's overcast out, it shouldn't be hot at all. Wrong. I got about halfway across the parking lot outside my dorm and I was sweltering. Wearing all black with a polyester tank top underneath your shirt is never a good idea. I should have just gone without the tank and played dumb to my shirt being see-through. Or better yet, I could have avoided changing at all. Luckily, the library was cold inside. I spent about four hours studying before I decided to head back.
I stopped in the food court in the Union to get a crepe because someone gave me a coupon for a free one at lunch. I ordered a very delicious looking cheesecake crepe with cheesecake, nutella, strawberries and whipped cream (There's a point to this running commentary of my day, I promise.). It was when I went to sit down to eat it that things got weird. I didn't think I would be able to eat this thing walking back to my room, so I decided to sit in the middle of the courtyard outside on a bench. This crepe was freakin' delicious, folks. For a brief moment, time stood still. And then it started to get messy. Of course, me being me, I wasn't about to take the time to eat this thing with a napkin on hand. I was in a hurry to get home, after all. So I continue to eat it and whipped cream starts running down my hand, and then onto my pants, and I'm trying to clean it up by using the sleeve the crepe was put in to scoop it off my pants. Then a huge blob of nutella-covered strawberry lands on my pants and by then, I've had it. By the time I was taking my last two bites there were about 30 or so people walking around in the courtyard, 5 or 6 of which walked by staring at me. I have chocolate all over my hands and my pants, and I can't even pick my stuff up without getting chocolate all over everything. I have another question. Why is it that awkward situations like this only seem to pop up on me when there's about 8 million people around to stare? I mean, I like an audience as much as the next theater geek, but this is pushing it a bit.
The point of this running commentary is that despite how adorable your choice of lingerie looks under your clothes, it probably isn't going to change the type of day that is in store for you. Besides having a good laugh over spilling crepe all over myself, my day has been pretty boring. But more importantly, I feel way more sorry for you, who has wasted a good five minutes of your day reading this useless crap.
Without further ado...
There's this saying in the world of women that goes along the lines of: You know it's going to be a good day when your underwear matches your bra.
My question is does that still count if you match your underwear to your bra on purpose? Or does it only count if it's accidental? Because I did it on purpose today and it's been a rather humdrum day in the life, if not a little weird towards the end.
Around 12:30, going on my 2nd hour on Facebook, I decided that nothing was going to get done if I was spending my time on the internet sitting in bed. I got up and changed my clothing from a really comfortable top into a black turtleneck, black pants, and heels, thinking because it's overcast out, it shouldn't be hot at all. Wrong. I got about halfway across the parking lot outside my dorm and I was sweltering. Wearing all black with a polyester tank top underneath your shirt is never a good idea. I should have just gone without the tank and played dumb to my shirt being see-through. Or better yet, I could have avoided changing at all. Luckily, the library was cold inside. I spent about four hours studying before I decided to head back.
I stopped in the food court in the Union to get a crepe because someone gave me a coupon for a free one at lunch. I ordered a very delicious looking cheesecake crepe with cheesecake, nutella, strawberries and whipped cream (There's a point to this running commentary of my day, I promise.). It was when I went to sit down to eat it that things got weird. I didn't think I would be able to eat this thing walking back to my room, so I decided to sit in the middle of the courtyard outside on a bench. This crepe was freakin' delicious, folks. For a brief moment, time stood still. And then it started to get messy. Of course, me being me, I wasn't about to take the time to eat this thing with a napkin on hand. I was in a hurry to get home, after all. So I continue to eat it and whipped cream starts running down my hand, and then onto my pants, and I'm trying to clean it up by using the sleeve the crepe was put in to scoop it off my pants. Then a huge blob of nutella-covered strawberry lands on my pants and by then, I've had it. By the time I was taking my last two bites there were about 30 or so people walking around in the courtyard, 5 or 6 of which walked by staring at me. I have chocolate all over my hands and my pants, and I can't even pick my stuff up without getting chocolate all over everything. I have another question. Why is it that awkward situations like this only seem to pop up on me when there's about 8 million people around to stare? I mean, I like an audience as much as the next theater geek, but this is pushing it a bit.
The point of this running commentary is that despite how adorable your choice of lingerie looks under your clothes, it probably isn't going to change the type of day that is in store for you. Besides having a good laugh over spilling crepe all over myself, my day has been pretty boring. But more importantly, I feel way more sorry for you, who has wasted a good five minutes of your day reading this useless crap.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Some Positivity
When I came back to Tallahassee, I forgot how much I missed being on my own. Clearly that was not apparent by my last post. However, I've vented and made some changes to my life and thinking, and I've bounced back (like always ;). A few things I'm doing to keep myself happy:
1. Taking the time to get out! See #2
2. Always making time to exercise. It really sucks being cooped up in my dorm stuck in the throes of homework. That was the story of my life last semester. I think it put me in a mini-depression because I had nowhere to go and not many friends. Sucked. But the gym helps keep my emotions in check, anyway.
3. Stop using the scale. This is not a joke. I don't use the scale anymore. I'm hitting the gym almost every day and lifting weights like a beast, and obviously I'm going to GAIN muscle weight. But if I see the number on the scale going up, it's gonna piss me off. I know this because it's happened before. So I've decided to keep things on the basis of the way my clothes fit. If they fit the same way, great. If not, time to kick it up and eat lighter.
4. Getting involved in something I'm passionate about! I've auditioned for EVERYTHING this semester. I auditioned for the School of Theater's season, Leave Your Mark Production's season (I'm playing Clea in Black Comedy!! Yippee!!), Clutch magazine, and student films! There's auditions for Into the Woods in three weeks, too. After this play, something else has to come up for me. I've really been putting myself out there.
5. Quit comparing myself to other people. There's only one person who can be me, and it's NOT any of you! I have a lot to bring to the table that no one else can, so why would I rack my brain about wanting to look like or be someone else?
Needless to say, I'm feeling oodles better than I was a few weeks ago. I think after this show I'm going to cut my hair short and redo my headshots. Like one of those 1920's layered bobs. I'll not only feel new, but look like a completely new woman! ;)
1. Taking the time to get out! See #2
2. Always making time to exercise. It really sucks being cooped up in my dorm stuck in the throes of homework. That was the story of my life last semester. I think it put me in a mini-depression because I had nowhere to go and not many friends. Sucked. But the gym helps keep my emotions in check, anyway.
3. Stop using the scale. This is not a joke. I don't use the scale anymore. I'm hitting the gym almost every day and lifting weights like a beast, and obviously I'm going to GAIN muscle weight. But if I see the number on the scale going up, it's gonna piss me off. I know this because it's happened before. So I've decided to keep things on the basis of the way my clothes fit. If they fit the same way, great. If not, time to kick it up and eat lighter.
4. Getting involved in something I'm passionate about! I've auditioned for EVERYTHING this semester. I auditioned for the School of Theater's season, Leave Your Mark Production's season (I'm playing Clea in Black Comedy!! Yippee!!), Clutch magazine, and student films! There's auditions for Into the Woods in three weeks, too. After this play, something else has to come up for me. I've really been putting myself out there.
5. Quit comparing myself to other people. There's only one person who can be me, and it's NOT any of you! I have a lot to bring to the table that no one else can, so why would I rack my brain about wanting to look like or be someone else?
Needless to say, I'm feeling oodles better than I was a few weeks ago. I think after this show I'm going to cut my hair short and redo my headshots. Like one of those 1920's layered bobs. I'll not only feel new, but look like a completely new woman! ;)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
First Day of School...
...sucked! I've yet to attend a class today that I know I'm going to like. Foods, Intermediary Metabolism, and Functional Anatomy and Physiology. Two of which are difficult classes, I might add. Now, I could very easily overlook the difficult aspect of these classes if I actually liked them. I usually know on the first day of class if it's a class I'm going to like. No such feelings today.
Which brings me to this question: Why am I still a freakin' dietetics major?? I hated it from the first day of Intro to Dietetics class last semester! I knew it wasn't for me the minute I set foot in the College of Human Sciences building during orientation. I had never felt so out of place. It didn't feel like the place for me, and still doesn't. The thing is, everyone in this field of study is looking to become a Registered Dietitian. They are excited, bright-eyed dedicated students that ask questions in class and strive to know every detail about the profession. They are driven. I'm not one of those students. I'm dedicated... to having a high GPA. That's it. I've made that achievement. But I'm smart. I can achieve a high GPA anyway. But if there's no drive, then there's no point.
I used to be very driven about helping others achieve full health through nutrition. The drive is gone, but the dedication is still there. I feel like an empty shell. I've felt like this for a long time now. I've never told anyone but Patrick until now. Now you know. It's because I'm constantly seeking approval from others. My parents. My friends. You name it. For the longest time I've always done what I should in regards to how it will affect other people in my life, but I've never looked to what's in my best interest. The only reason I'm doing dietetics is to make other people happy. I care too much what everyone will think if I do something else. I care too much what other people think period. But I can't keep worrying about what others think or about making them happy. I need to account for my own happiness before others' or else this is all I'm gonna be. A shell. Hard and hollow. There shouldn't be a nauseating wave of dread that sweeps over me whenever someone asks me what I'm studying in school. I should wake up in the morning excited to share what I can bring to the world, MY way. If I'm happy, then others will follow suit for me.
It's time for a change.
Which brings me to this question: Why am I still a freakin' dietetics major?? I hated it from the first day of Intro to Dietetics class last semester! I knew it wasn't for me the minute I set foot in the College of Human Sciences building during orientation. I had never felt so out of place. It didn't feel like the place for me, and still doesn't. The thing is, everyone in this field of study is looking to become a Registered Dietitian. They are excited, bright-eyed dedicated students that ask questions in class and strive to know every detail about the profession. They are driven. I'm not one of those students. I'm dedicated... to having a high GPA. That's it. I've made that achievement. But I'm smart. I can achieve a high GPA anyway. But if there's no drive, then there's no point.
I used to be very driven about helping others achieve full health through nutrition. The drive is gone, but the dedication is still there. I feel like an empty shell. I've felt like this for a long time now. I've never told anyone but Patrick until now. Now you know. It's because I'm constantly seeking approval from others. My parents. My friends. You name it. For the longest time I've always done what I should in regards to how it will affect other people in my life, but I've never looked to what's in my best interest. The only reason I'm doing dietetics is to make other people happy. I care too much what everyone will think if I do something else. I care too much what other people think period. But I can't keep worrying about what others think or about making them happy. I need to account for my own happiness before others' or else this is all I'm gonna be. A shell. Hard and hollow. There shouldn't be a nauseating wave of dread that sweeps over me whenever someone asks me what I'm studying in school. I should wake up in the morning excited to share what I can bring to the world, MY way. If I'm happy, then others will follow suit for me.
It's time for a change.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Check Out My Doggies!
So, recently I've been brainstorming ideas about a YouTube vlog series I am wanting to start. I've been learning how to edit all my own videos, and it's exhausting but I like it.
This is my first completed video, and it's of my favorite subjects to film: my dogs!
So with out further ado, enjoy my video :)
Song is Mr. Scruff (Ninja Tuna) by Kalimba
This is my first completed video, and it's of my favorite subjects to film: my dogs!
So with out further ado, enjoy my video :)
Song is Mr. Scruff (Ninja Tuna) by Kalimba
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