Since moving away to college, I've made some fairly recent discoveries about myself that I never would have known had I not stepped out of my comfort zone and left home. Several of these said discoveries have been posted in this blog at one point or another (If you want a good example, please the read my very long-winded past blog "The Ambivert's Point of View".). One thing I've learned is that I'm not really as big an extravert as I thought. Another is that I don't belong in the sciences. Third of all, and I'm pretty sure everyone who's known me for a good long time knew this before I did, I lack a lot of social graces, and thus either stay very quiet, or attempt to remove any traces of formality from my interactions with people by pointing out just how awkward/annoying/ditzy/you-name-it I am. I feel that after spending years as a socially awkward, semi-introverted weirdo, I have had enough life experience in this department to come to this conclusion about myself: In most social situations that I put myself in, there is always one person in the room that hates me. Go ahead and have a laugh, but it's true.
Everything about this post reeks of paranoia to most of you. I mean, really. How can there be one person that hates you EVERYWHERE you go? I know that's what you're thinking. But it's true. I know this because it's happened several times before. Sometimes it's wholly undeserved. For example, the younger sister (who I'd never met before that night, mind you!) of a friend of mine being rude to me and whispering hateful things to her friends about me because she had a mad crush on my boyfriend at the time. Or my ex-friend (who I refer to as my "frenemy") constantly talking trash about me for everything I did, mostly pertaining to my musical theater performances in school out of jealousy. And don't even get me started on my ex-roommate last semester. There's more, but I need not go on lest this post take up more of your precious time.
Most of the time it is deserved though. Putting my foot in my mouth is a regular occurrence. So regular, I should consider making it a hobby just for kicks. I have this dry sense of humor that, upon first impressions, is very off-putting to those who don't know me. I'm occassionally a bit too blunt for the general population's liking. This has been pointed out to me by everyone close to me. My boyfriend, my mom, my dad, my grandparents, you name them, chances are they've brought it up. As a result, somebody ends up disliking me. They may not make it known right then and there, but I can tell by the uncomfortable aura dwelling in the air, or the comments made so matter-of-factly by someone about it sometime afterwards. Take my mom's friend, for example. My family and I went out blueberry picking on a sunny, very hot, very humid day in Florida and we met up with anonymous friend. In making small talk and trying to exchange pleasantries, she asked me how I like blueberry picking. I respond with "I'm indifferent." There was also the uncomfortable argument my mother and I had about her not letting me audition for Royal Carribbean because she was afraid I'd drop out of school. Yeahhh. I remember trying to be funny and silly after those lapses in basic interaction etiquette, and my mom saying, "We're trying to have a conversation here! Can't you go somewhere else?" Or something along those lines. Although it was quite humorous looking back and is a running joke between my mom and her anonymous friend, I'm almost positive she thinks I'm a snot.
That story barely scratches the surface as far as my socially inept self goes. There was also a rather obnoxious comment I previously made to my roommate today, too, with the intention of being humorous, of course. Again, with the off-putting dry humor. I wonder if she secretly hates me too, as we live together and inevitably every one of my flaws has reared its ugly head at one time or another. It really doesn't need to be discussed as I'm a bit embarassed. AND just last night I was told by my boyfriend that we need to work on my diplomacy in talking to people. There are countless other examples, but I need not go on lest this post take up even more of your precious time.
I've been making an effort to apologize, or clarify what I mean when I come off as too blatant, however it doesn't seem to soften the blow of realizing that I've irritated yet another person. Sometimes I try using "I don't give a shit if I've offended you" to try and grow a backbone about it. That doesn't work, either. There's still that recurring thought in my mind that tugs at me that I possibly unintentionally burned a bridge just by being my awkward self.
Or maybe it only seems this bad to me because I'm on the inside looking out. Maybe if I tried to stand outside and look in I could see a tiny inkling of potential social grace. But who am I kidding?
Perhaps this is the reason for my sudden introversion. I think sometimes I should swear off social interaction and just take up writing, or perfecting my craft as a performer. Just bury myself in my work. Maybe if I just keep quiet and not say much, I won't have to struggle with my embarassing, uncanny lack of tact and/or common sense, and maybe my undiscovered hidden brilliance can speak for itself in my acting and writing. I mean, most creative geniuses are a little eccentric and socially retarded, right?
Having friends and being liked is overrated anyway...
Monday, October 24, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Only By Coincidence?
Before you read this, please take into consideration what you are about to read. By posting this, I am only contributing to the surplus of useless information that we have on the internet, and reading this post will cost you a few good minutes of your day that you cannot get back. This is so absolutely useless to you that you might want to be sure there is nothing better for you to do in the five minutes it takes to read it. Just know that.
Without further ado...
There's this saying in the world of women that goes along the lines of: You know it's going to be a good day when your underwear matches your bra.
My question is does that still count if you match your underwear to your bra on purpose? Or does it only count if it's accidental? Because I did it on purpose today and it's been a rather humdrum day in the life, if not a little weird towards the end.
Around 12:30, going on my 2nd hour on Facebook, I decided that nothing was going to get done if I was spending my time on the internet sitting in bed. I got up and changed my clothing from a really comfortable top into a black turtleneck, black pants, and heels, thinking because it's overcast out, it shouldn't be hot at all. Wrong. I got about halfway across the parking lot outside my dorm and I was sweltering. Wearing all black with a polyester tank top underneath your shirt is never a good idea. I should have just gone without the tank and played dumb to my shirt being see-through. Or better yet, I could have avoided changing at all. Luckily, the library was cold inside. I spent about four hours studying before I decided to head back.
I stopped in the food court in the Union to get a crepe because someone gave me a coupon for a free one at lunch. I ordered a very delicious looking cheesecake crepe with cheesecake, nutella, strawberries and whipped cream (There's a point to this running commentary of my day, I promise.). It was when I went to sit down to eat it that things got weird. I didn't think I would be able to eat this thing walking back to my room, so I decided to sit in the middle of the courtyard outside on a bench. This crepe was freakin' delicious, folks. For a brief moment, time stood still. And then it started to get messy. Of course, me being me, I wasn't about to take the time to eat this thing with a napkin on hand. I was in a hurry to get home, after all. So I continue to eat it and whipped cream starts running down my hand, and then onto my pants, and I'm trying to clean it up by using the sleeve the crepe was put in to scoop it off my pants. Then a huge blob of nutella-covered strawberry lands on my pants and by then, I've had it. By the time I was taking my last two bites there were about 30 or so people walking around in the courtyard, 5 or 6 of which walked by staring at me. I have chocolate all over my hands and my pants, and I can't even pick my stuff up without getting chocolate all over everything. I have another question. Why is it that awkward situations like this only seem to pop up on me when there's about 8 million people around to stare? I mean, I like an audience as much as the next theater geek, but this is pushing it a bit.
The point of this running commentary is that despite how adorable your choice of lingerie looks under your clothes, it probably isn't going to change the type of day that is in store for you. Besides having a good laugh over spilling crepe all over myself, my day has been pretty boring. But more importantly, I feel way more sorry for you, who has wasted a good five minutes of your day reading this useless crap.
Without further ado...
There's this saying in the world of women that goes along the lines of: You know it's going to be a good day when your underwear matches your bra.
My question is does that still count if you match your underwear to your bra on purpose? Or does it only count if it's accidental? Because I did it on purpose today and it's been a rather humdrum day in the life, if not a little weird towards the end.
Around 12:30, going on my 2nd hour on Facebook, I decided that nothing was going to get done if I was spending my time on the internet sitting in bed. I got up and changed my clothing from a really comfortable top into a black turtleneck, black pants, and heels, thinking because it's overcast out, it shouldn't be hot at all. Wrong. I got about halfway across the parking lot outside my dorm and I was sweltering. Wearing all black with a polyester tank top underneath your shirt is never a good idea. I should have just gone without the tank and played dumb to my shirt being see-through. Or better yet, I could have avoided changing at all. Luckily, the library was cold inside. I spent about four hours studying before I decided to head back.
I stopped in the food court in the Union to get a crepe because someone gave me a coupon for a free one at lunch. I ordered a very delicious looking cheesecake crepe with cheesecake, nutella, strawberries and whipped cream (There's a point to this running commentary of my day, I promise.). It was when I went to sit down to eat it that things got weird. I didn't think I would be able to eat this thing walking back to my room, so I decided to sit in the middle of the courtyard outside on a bench. This crepe was freakin' delicious, folks. For a brief moment, time stood still. And then it started to get messy. Of course, me being me, I wasn't about to take the time to eat this thing with a napkin on hand. I was in a hurry to get home, after all. So I continue to eat it and whipped cream starts running down my hand, and then onto my pants, and I'm trying to clean it up by using the sleeve the crepe was put in to scoop it off my pants. Then a huge blob of nutella-covered strawberry lands on my pants and by then, I've had it. By the time I was taking my last two bites there were about 30 or so people walking around in the courtyard, 5 or 6 of which walked by staring at me. I have chocolate all over my hands and my pants, and I can't even pick my stuff up without getting chocolate all over everything. I have another question. Why is it that awkward situations like this only seem to pop up on me when there's about 8 million people around to stare? I mean, I like an audience as much as the next theater geek, but this is pushing it a bit.
The point of this running commentary is that despite how adorable your choice of lingerie looks under your clothes, it probably isn't going to change the type of day that is in store for you. Besides having a good laugh over spilling crepe all over myself, my day has been pretty boring. But more importantly, I feel way more sorry for you, who has wasted a good five minutes of your day reading this useless crap.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Some Positivity
When I came back to Tallahassee, I forgot how much I missed being on my own. Clearly that was not apparent by my last post. However, I've vented and made some changes to my life and thinking, and I've bounced back (like always ;). A few things I'm doing to keep myself happy:
1. Taking the time to get out! See #2
2. Always making time to exercise. It really sucks being cooped up in my dorm stuck in the throes of homework. That was the story of my life last semester. I think it put me in a mini-depression because I had nowhere to go and not many friends. Sucked. But the gym helps keep my emotions in check, anyway.
3. Stop using the scale. This is not a joke. I don't use the scale anymore. I'm hitting the gym almost every day and lifting weights like a beast, and obviously I'm going to GAIN muscle weight. But if I see the number on the scale going up, it's gonna piss me off. I know this because it's happened before. So I've decided to keep things on the basis of the way my clothes fit. If they fit the same way, great. If not, time to kick it up and eat lighter.
4. Getting involved in something I'm passionate about! I've auditioned for EVERYTHING this semester. I auditioned for the School of Theater's season, Leave Your Mark Production's season (I'm playing Clea in Black Comedy!! Yippee!!), Clutch magazine, and student films! There's auditions for Into the Woods in three weeks, too. After this play, something else has to come up for me. I've really been putting myself out there.
5. Quit comparing myself to other people. There's only one person who can be me, and it's NOT any of you! I have a lot to bring to the table that no one else can, so why would I rack my brain about wanting to look like or be someone else?
Needless to say, I'm feeling oodles better than I was a few weeks ago. I think after this show I'm going to cut my hair short and redo my headshots. Like one of those 1920's layered bobs. I'll not only feel new, but look like a completely new woman! ;)
1. Taking the time to get out! See #2
2. Always making time to exercise. It really sucks being cooped up in my dorm stuck in the throes of homework. That was the story of my life last semester. I think it put me in a mini-depression because I had nowhere to go and not many friends. Sucked. But the gym helps keep my emotions in check, anyway.
3. Stop using the scale. This is not a joke. I don't use the scale anymore. I'm hitting the gym almost every day and lifting weights like a beast, and obviously I'm going to GAIN muscle weight. But if I see the number on the scale going up, it's gonna piss me off. I know this because it's happened before. So I've decided to keep things on the basis of the way my clothes fit. If they fit the same way, great. If not, time to kick it up and eat lighter.
4. Getting involved in something I'm passionate about! I've auditioned for EVERYTHING this semester. I auditioned for the School of Theater's season, Leave Your Mark Production's season (I'm playing Clea in Black Comedy!! Yippee!!), Clutch magazine, and student films! There's auditions for Into the Woods in three weeks, too. After this play, something else has to come up for me. I've really been putting myself out there.
5. Quit comparing myself to other people. There's only one person who can be me, and it's NOT any of you! I have a lot to bring to the table that no one else can, so why would I rack my brain about wanting to look like or be someone else?
Needless to say, I'm feeling oodles better than I was a few weeks ago. I think after this show I'm going to cut my hair short and redo my headshots. Like one of those 1920's layered bobs. I'll not only feel new, but look like a completely new woman! ;)
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
First Day of School...
...sucked! I've yet to attend a class today that I know I'm going to like. Foods, Intermediary Metabolism, and Functional Anatomy and Physiology. Two of which are difficult classes, I might add. Now, I could very easily overlook the difficult aspect of these classes if I actually liked them. I usually know on the first day of class if it's a class I'm going to like. No such feelings today.
Which brings me to this question: Why am I still a freakin' dietetics major?? I hated it from the first day of Intro to Dietetics class last semester! I knew it wasn't for me the minute I set foot in the College of Human Sciences building during orientation. I had never felt so out of place. It didn't feel like the place for me, and still doesn't. The thing is, everyone in this field of study is looking to become a Registered Dietitian. They are excited, bright-eyed dedicated students that ask questions in class and strive to know every detail about the profession. They are driven. I'm not one of those students. I'm dedicated... to having a high GPA. That's it. I've made that achievement. But I'm smart. I can achieve a high GPA anyway. But if there's no drive, then there's no point.
I used to be very driven about helping others achieve full health through nutrition. The drive is gone, but the dedication is still there. I feel like an empty shell. I've felt like this for a long time now. I've never told anyone but Patrick until now. Now you know. It's because I'm constantly seeking approval from others. My parents. My friends. You name it. For the longest time I've always done what I should in regards to how it will affect other people in my life, but I've never looked to what's in my best interest. The only reason I'm doing dietetics is to make other people happy. I care too much what everyone will think if I do something else. I care too much what other people think period. But I can't keep worrying about what others think or about making them happy. I need to account for my own happiness before others' or else this is all I'm gonna be. A shell. Hard and hollow. There shouldn't be a nauseating wave of dread that sweeps over me whenever someone asks me what I'm studying in school. I should wake up in the morning excited to share what I can bring to the world, MY way. If I'm happy, then others will follow suit for me.
It's time for a change.
Which brings me to this question: Why am I still a freakin' dietetics major?? I hated it from the first day of Intro to Dietetics class last semester! I knew it wasn't for me the minute I set foot in the College of Human Sciences building during orientation. I had never felt so out of place. It didn't feel like the place for me, and still doesn't. The thing is, everyone in this field of study is looking to become a Registered Dietitian. They are excited, bright-eyed dedicated students that ask questions in class and strive to know every detail about the profession. They are driven. I'm not one of those students. I'm dedicated... to having a high GPA. That's it. I've made that achievement. But I'm smart. I can achieve a high GPA anyway. But if there's no drive, then there's no point.
I used to be very driven about helping others achieve full health through nutrition. The drive is gone, but the dedication is still there. I feel like an empty shell. I've felt like this for a long time now. I've never told anyone but Patrick until now. Now you know. It's because I'm constantly seeking approval from others. My parents. My friends. You name it. For the longest time I've always done what I should in regards to how it will affect other people in my life, but I've never looked to what's in my best interest. The only reason I'm doing dietetics is to make other people happy. I care too much what everyone will think if I do something else. I care too much what other people think period. But I can't keep worrying about what others think or about making them happy. I need to account for my own happiness before others' or else this is all I'm gonna be. A shell. Hard and hollow. There shouldn't be a nauseating wave of dread that sweeps over me whenever someone asks me what I'm studying in school. I should wake up in the morning excited to share what I can bring to the world, MY way. If I'm happy, then others will follow suit for me.
It's time for a change.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Check Out My Doggies!
So, recently I've been brainstorming ideas about a YouTube vlog series I am wanting to start. I've been learning how to edit all my own videos, and it's exhausting but I like it.
This is my first completed video, and it's of my favorite subjects to film: my dogs!
So with out further ado, enjoy my video :)
Song is Mr. Scruff (Ninja Tuna) by Kalimba
This is my first completed video, and it's of my favorite subjects to film: my dogs!
So with out further ado, enjoy my video :)
Song is Mr. Scruff (Ninja Tuna) by Kalimba
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The Ambivert's Point of View
Are you an introvert? Do you prefer solitude over social interaction? Would you rather spend time indoors instead of outdoors? Do you tend to remain quiet in social settings as opposed to being the life of the party? Or are you an extravert? Are you a better speaker than listener? Would you prefer to spend your time around people as opposed to by yourself? Are you unable to last longer than 5 minutes without social interaction or activity of any kind?
It's funny how it's always one or the other. Either you are one extreme, or you are the other. It's been that way since I could remember. Chocolate or vanilla? White or Black? Hot or cold? Optimist or pessimist? Democrat or Republican? "You can only pick one." they say, and any middle-ground answers don't count. Personally, I've never been any extreme type of person. I've always looked at both sides and remained in the middle with mostly everything (I do prefer chocolate over vanilla though). I like black and white the same, I prefer temperate weather over hot or cold, I am a realist, and I am a libertarian (Don't even get me started on political parties. I will rant.). I don't really believe that life works in black and white. It would be far too simple if that were the case. There are so many gray areas, so many dimensions to explore that make life so complex.
I'm an ambivert. Ambiversion is a happy medium between introversion and extraversion. Ambiverts typically enjoy social interaction, but also value their solitude and seek a good balance of the two. Not too social, but not a loner. I'm smack-dab in the middle and that's how I like it.
Most people probably can't understand how I can be both an introvert and an extravert. I can see why. It makes me look fickle and inconsistent. It's more complex than that, really. I'm complex. Most would say I fall under extravert because I'm an actor. I can get up on stage and shamelessly make an ass out of myself and be whatever character I play and not care who is out in the audience gawking at me. My last big role was Eve Harrington in "Applause." She was a manipulative wolf in sheep's clothing who sleeps her way to the top in New York show business. She uses a lot of people, including her biggest idol, to get notoriety on Broadway. My character was a cruel little tart, the exact opposite of me. Yet I loved playing that character. I loved being that nasty little bitch who was seducing every man in her path to get what she wanted, and I didn't care who saw me make that transformation every night. That's the beauty of being a performer. I love to move people with my performances and get feedback, and I love interacting with the people I work with. I'm right in my element in front of that audience.
Put me out of my element, however, and a completely different person takes over. I'm a different person off the stage sometimes. I'm probably the quietest, most serious person you will see in the classrooms at school. I'm friendly, but a little uncomfortable with small talk. Speaking in front of the class or to the teacher in front of the class makes my stomach want to drop to the floor. My ability to make people laugh goes down the toilet. I don't ask questions or answer them in class, and I've only sat in the front row a total of twice in my entire educational career. I do get along with my other classmates, but it takes some time into the semester for me to develop the relationship. You can ask my chemistry teacher. It took me three semesters in her classes to come out of my shell! It wasn't until Organic Chemistry I that I actually engaged in classroom discussions and comfortably spoke in front of the class. Sadly, I've transferred to a university now where engaging in classroom discussions can be a big part of your grade. You have no idea how frustrating that gets. Especially when you're put on the spot. My brain goes blank and my ability to utter any intelligent answer seems to disappear. I sit there and stare with the most vacant look on my face. I wonder if they understand that there are people who don't like to speak freely and discuss the material in class, and that it's nothing personal.
Social situations are a lot more ambiguous. Depending on my comfort level with the people around me, I may float around to different groups and exchange pleasantries and jokes with the members of each group and have a grand old time, stick to a small group of two or three, or just sit quietly by myself. If they're theater people I've worked with, I'll gladly be the life of the party and make an ass out of myself and enjoy every minute of it. Sometimes I can go for hours. If I have friends I attend a big get together with, normally I stay with one or two of them and chat with them. It depends on how I feel. If I don't know anyone, I'm very reserved and keep to myself. I think making small talk is awkward and exhausting when I'm not around people I'm doing business with or immediately know, moreso with men than women (that's another rant I'll eventually post about).
Sometimes I need to go elsewhere where there's less people just to catch a breath of fresh air. I think a lot of people find it disturbing because they mistake it for being standoffish, when really I just want to enjoy a solitary moment to myself. They're relaxing. I'm really reserved when I hang around my boyfriend's friends. Most of the time I'm attached to Patrick's hip, just because I'm not super comfortable starting small talk with anyone. Just recently I've gotten more outgoing around them. Turns out that I get on well with a lot of people in the group! But even if I'm not being super chatty, I still enjoy being out and about with people.
I like to be alone, too. I prefer to practice my singing, dancing, and acting in solitude. Since middle school, I've used the time my parents were away at work to practice and just be a goofball. I feel like I can use that time to improve and fix my mistakes without somebody else injecting any unwarranted criticism. I also don't really like people seeing my work before it's finished; the best has yet to come, and it's waiting up my sleeve. I want to blow you away with the finished product, not give you a half-assed rehearsal where you can see my mistakes. But it's gotten so much harder as I've gotten older to have the singing/dancing/goofball hours because now I work and go to school and live with roommates. I normally do all my practicing in my car now. It's rare that I actually get to sing in the comfort and acoustics of my own home.
Honing my crafts aren't the only reason why I like my alone time, though. I need to unwind from work and my day. If I'm asked by a friend to go out somewhere after work, I have to know who's going and how many people are going. If it's a lot of people, it takes a little convincing to get me to go. I like smaller groups. I don't really fit into large groups unless I know everybody. I can be selective about social interaction. Look at it this way: I get a lot of it from my job (I do marketing for a chiropractor) and being a performer, so sometimes that quiet time by myself or with one or two people is necessary to keep me sane. It's not that I don't want to see anybody, it's just that I need my me time.
So, there you have it. Ambiversion in a nutshell. Yes, we probably make things more complicated than they need be. But I'm honestly happy to be that complicated happy medium girl. I get the best of both worlds, and a sense of understanding for introverts and extraverts alike.
It's funny how it's always one or the other. Either you are one extreme, or you are the other. It's been that way since I could remember. Chocolate or vanilla? White or Black? Hot or cold? Optimist or pessimist? Democrat or Republican? "You can only pick one." they say, and any middle-ground answers don't count. Personally, I've never been any extreme type of person. I've always looked at both sides and remained in the middle with mostly everything (I do prefer chocolate over vanilla though). I like black and white the same, I prefer temperate weather over hot or cold, I am a realist, and I am a libertarian (Don't even get me started on political parties. I will rant.). I don't really believe that life works in black and white. It would be far too simple if that were the case. There are so many gray areas, so many dimensions to explore that make life so complex.
I'm an ambivert. Ambiversion is a happy medium between introversion and extraversion. Ambiverts typically enjoy social interaction, but also value their solitude and seek a good balance of the two. Not too social, but not a loner. I'm smack-dab in the middle and that's how I like it.
Most people probably can't understand how I can be both an introvert and an extravert. I can see why. It makes me look fickle and inconsistent. It's more complex than that, really. I'm complex. Most would say I fall under extravert because I'm an actor. I can get up on stage and shamelessly make an ass out of myself and be whatever character I play and not care who is out in the audience gawking at me. My last big role was Eve Harrington in "Applause." She was a manipulative wolf in sheep's clothing who sleeps her way to the top in New York show business. She uses a lot of people, including her biggest idol, to get notoriety on Broadway. My character was a cruel little tart, the exact opposite of me. Yet I loved playing that character. I loved being that nasty little bitch who was seducing every man in her path to get what she wanted, and I didn't care who saw me make that transformation every night. That's the beauty of being a performer. I love to move people with my performances and get feedback, and I love interacting with the people I work with. I'm right in my element in front of that audience.
Put me out of my element, however, and a completely different person takes over. I'm a different person off the stage sometimes. I'm probably the quietest, most serious person you will see in the classrooms at school. I'm friendly, but a little uncomfortable with small talk. Speaking in front of the class or to the teacher in front of the class makes my stomach want to drop to the floor. My ability to make people laugh goes down the toilet. I don't ask questions or answer them in class, and I've only sat in the front row a total of twice in my entire educational career. I do get along with my other classmates, but it takes some time into the semester for me to develop the relationship. You can ask my chemistry teacher. It took me three semesters in her classes to come out of my shell! It wasn't until Organic Chemistry I that I actually engaged in classroom discussions and comfortably spoke in front of the class. Sadly, I've transferred to a university now where engaging in classroom discussions can be a big part of your grade. You have no idea how frustrating that gets. Especially when you're put on the spot. My brain goes blank and my ability to utter any intelligent answer seems to disappear. I sit there and stare with the most vacant look on my face. I wonder if they understand that there are people who don't like to speak freely and discuss the material in class, and that it's nothing personal.
Social situations are a lot more ambiguous. Depending on my comfort level with the people around me, I may float around to different groups and exchange pleasantries and jokes with the members of each group and have a grand old time, stick to a small group of two or three, or just sit quietly by myself. If they're theater people I've worked with, I'll gladly be the life of the party and make an ass out of myself and enjoy every minute of it. Sometimes I can go for hours. If I have friends I attend a big get together with, normally I stay with one or two of them and chat with them. It depends on how I feel. If I don't know anyone, I'm very reserved and keep to myself. I think making small talk is awkward and exhausting when I'm not around people I'm doing business with or immediately know, moreso with men than women (that's another rant I'll eventually post about).
Sometimes I need to go elsewhere where there's less people just to catch a breath of fresh air. I think a lot of people find it disturbing because they mistake it for being standoffish, when really I just want to enjoy a solitary moment to myself. They're relaxing. I'm really reserved when I hang around my boyfriend's friends. Most of the time I'm attached to Patrick's hip, just because I'm not super comfortable starting small talk with anyone. Just recently I've gotten more outgoing around them. Turns out that I get on well with a lot of people in the group! But even if I'm not being super chatty, I still enjoy being out and about with people.
I like to be alone, too. I prefer to practice my singing, dancing, and acting in solitude. Since middle school, I've used the time my parents were away at work to practice and just be a goofball. I feel like I can use that time to improve and fix my mistakes without somebody else injecting any unwarranted criticism. I also don't really like people seeing my work before it's finished; the best has yet to come, and it's waiting up my sleeve. I want to blow you away with the finished product, not give you a half-assed rehearsal where you can see my mistakes. But it's gotten so much harder as I've gotten older to have the singing/dancing/goofball hours because now I work and go to school and live with roommates. I normally do all my practicing in my car now. It's rare that I actually get to sing in the comfort and acoustics of my own home.
Honing my crafts aren't the only reason why I like my alone time, though. I need to unwind from work and my day. If I'm asked by a friend to go out somewhere after work, I have to know who's going and how many people are going. If it's a lot of people, it takes a little convincing to get me to go. I like smaller groups. I don't really fit into large groups unless I know everybody. I can be selective about social interaction. Look at it this way: I get a lot of it from my job (I do marketing for a chiropractor) and being a performer, so sometimes that quiet time by myself or with one or two people is necessary to keep me sane. It's not that I don't want to see anybody, it's just that I need my me time.
So, there you have it. Ambiversion in a nutshell. Yes, we probably make things more complicated than they need be. But I'm honestly happy to be that complicated happy medium girl. I get the best of both worlds, and a sense of understanding for introverts and extraverts alike.
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