Uprooted plant life and sugar-saturated caffeinated fat blocks. You shouldn't have.

   With January making its exit stage right and February entering left, we are all anticipating a certain day taking center: Valentine's Day. The one day a year that, next to Christmas and all other major holidays, has been so crassly commercialized that everyone in the mainstream world has grown to loathe for different reasons.

     I remember the days in elementary school when everyone in my class would decorate Valentine's Day shoeboxes with little slits cut in the top so people could put in valentines and an assortment of candy. It was fun and cute and we had to make a valentine for everyone in the class so nobody was left out. Those were the days. Since then I've become one of those people in the mainstream world who has grown to loathe Valentine's Day. In fact, I think it's been that way since middle school when an ex-crush of mine gave all the other girls candy one year and purposely didn't give me any because I dumped him right before Christmas break that year (of which he terrorized me until 8th grade graduation that year). The following two years after that I was either sick or just had nothing to do that day. Then the next year I made plans with a guy friend of mine and he blew me off to hang out with another girl (who ended up being a psycho). The year after that I made the effort to at least buy valentines for my family and then-boyfriend. Then I was newly single the next year, and then I had a guy to celebrate with for three years, and now I'm single again (this is my first time publicly admitting it). Through the ups and downs and having someone to celebrate with and then not have someone to celebrate with, I'm pretty sure my hatred for Valentine's Day has remained constant. Or maybe just went dormant for the last three years and then came back with a passion the other day when I saw Valentine's Day crap all over the shelves at Winn-Dixie and had to fight the urge to suffocate myself with a teddy bear. I don't know. All I know is that I hate it and think it's the stupidest holiday ever. But at least this time I have good logical reasons for hating it.

Couldn't have said it better, honestly.

    First reason why I can't stand Valentine's Day is because people treat it like it's the only day of the year to go all-out balls to the wall celebrating your love for someone. One person (usually the girl) has all these crazy expectations about how romantic the whole day/night should be and wants the moon given to them in a silver Tiffany's box, and ends up getting mad at the other person (usually the guy) when all they get is a dozen roses and a box of chocolate. First of all, shouldn't you be celebrating your love for that person more often than Valentine's Day? Like every day maybe? Second of all, if your romantic expectations aren't like this any other day, why are they so high on this particular day? It's ironic to me because on any ordinary day of the year it's completely the most romantic wonderful thing when your SO does something thoughtful for you, yet for some reason those same little gestures are just not as good because this overrated, ordinary-day-turned-holiday caused your expectations to skyrocket. It's like you purposely set yourselves up for disappointment.

"I love you so much I hope you never die."

    See, it never used to be like this. Valentine's Day used to be a pagan celebration of fertility, then became dedicated to a saint when pagans began converting to Christianity as a means to make the celebration less sacrilegious. Or some long story along those lines. Then somewhere in the 19th century it turned into a thing for kids where they glued some macaroni to a paper heart and gave it to their parents and called it a valentine. And then they ate chocolate. Then advertisers got a hold of it and commercialized it to this ridiculous degree that now if a guy doesn't plan a huge romantic night and buy his woman some overpriced jewelry or some other crap, then he's in the doghouse. Which brings me to my next question. Why does nobody ever get angry at the women for not making an effort on Valentine's Day?? This type of nonsense should go both ways, ladies!
    The next thing I can't stand about Valentine's Day is that it is the holiday dedicated to couples. See, what gets me is that any holiday that becomes Big Business's Commercialized Universal Couple Day  for every single couple in the world is automatically less special. There's no spontaneity at all to that. You know what's even better than Valentine's Day? Your anniversary. Why? Because it's your special day to celebrate being together and not everyone else's also. Plus, you don't have to make reservations months in advance and fight crowds and deal with the price of chocolate skyrocketing (seriously, that's the worst thing ever). Think about that one.

This cake loves me enough to stay with me forever...
right on my thighs.

    Don't get me wrong, I love a holiday that gives me an excuse to eat candy and buy myself another teddy bear to add to my superfluous collection, but please enlighten me on what the big deal is? Even after having the last three Valentine's Days of my life be amazing days full of memories, I still hate it. I guess you could call me cynical, or maybe slightly embittered that I no longer have someone to plan an awesome date for anymore. I'll admit to the latter. Either way, I won't be buying into any of it. Past this blog post, I'm not even going to whine about being alone on Valentine's Day. Instead I'm going to take this year's Valentine's Day with a grain of salt and do something nice for myself. I'm going to call my family and wish them a happy Valentine's Day and tell them I love them, and then spoil myself rotten. I'm keeping away from Facebook that day with the exception of a facetious "I think today is stupid" post or two because I don't care to expose myself to everyone's nauseating "Happy Valentine's day, honey!" posts all day ad nauseam. I feel it's toxic to my emotional well-being this early in the game. As far as Valentine's Day is concerned, it will just be another ordinary day to eat chocolate.

Metamorphosis

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

- Anais Nin

    One of my favorite quotes. I feel like Anais Nin was talking to me when I read this... even though she died in 1977, this was published sometime long before that, and I wasn't born until 1989, so in a weird talking-to-me-from-the-dead-but-not-really-way. Since November 2010, my entire life has been this quote, starting with the day I got my acceptance letter from Florida State. Since then, I've moved a lot from Tallahassee to home several times, got a job, built my acting resume, changed my major, met and worked with some amazing people, loved with all my heart and lost part of it. In the summer I'm going to graduate and then things will change even more. I was excited for it, but fear and apprehension have come into the mix. My world had been turned upside down when an unexpected situation ending 2012 left me with a terrible start to the new year (pardon the vagueness, but I'm choosing not to go into detail out of respect and discretion).

    My biggest goal this year is to take this painful situation and use it as a lesson for self-improvement. This is a new time for me to heal and grow from it. Truth be told, I'm really not the woman I'd like to be right now. Before I go on, please understand that I am not at all trying to make anyone overlook my good and redeeming qualities, but rather understand where I need work. That said: I'm insecure, indecisive, and a perfectionist. I talk myself down too much, and I hold back out of fear. Worst of them all, I talk negatively about myself to people and sometimes take my insecurities out on others. It's pretty bad and embarrassing to admit to, on a public blog, no less. It has caused many a headache and has resulted in heartache that probably could have been avoided had I fixed them sooner. It is incredibly painful.

    One of the reasons why we hurt is because it is a sign that something has to change. In the midst of all the anxiety and tears, we have to take a step back and realize what is wrong. Sometimes it's our own issues, undue fear or worry, or simply bad timing. Instead of dwelling on what might have been, we must focus on what can be and how we can get there. I was repeating unhealthy and unbecoming patterns of behavior that had become habit from past situations and it was carrying over to my present. It was smothering me and the people around me. I'm incredibly sad and disappointed that things have to happen as they are, but I need to learn to let go first before anything can continue or happen. Maybe I need to hurt for a little while before I can experience joy again. Only then can I let go of the worry that is not serving me well, and forget about what has happened. It cannot change and there is no use blaming myself or letting it affect me anymore.
    We can hold on to those toxic things and stay inside that shell, but in the end it's only hurting us more than just letting go and being free. Only then can we feel hopeful and find out what's waiting for us.

Since we're on the subject of New Year's...

   ...I'm gonna make another blog list. Because that's apparently the only way I can organize my thoughts. I just make lists. Every post.

   This is one of those cliche New Year's Resolution lists where I list all umpteen of the things I plan on doing, maybe two or three of which will actually be accomplished, hence the keyword cliche. I really much prefer to use the term 'goals' over 'resolutions' though, as resolutions sound like permanent solutions to every life problem I'll ever have and thus completely unattainable.

Here goes.

Disclaimer: The italicized ones are top priority.

Now, then.

1. Stop being such a damn perfectionist.
2. Stop seeking approval from everyone.
3. Stop the negative self-talk.
4. Stop worrying about the future.
5. Continue to be successful with your acting.
6. Allow yourself to be happy.
7. Stop letting fear keep you stagnant.
8. Acquire more muscles.
9. Put your demo reels together and start auditioning for agents.
10. Socialize more.
11. Raise that GPA, slacker!
12. Finish the projects you've already started.

   That's all she wrote. Still too long for my liking, but at least I italicized the most important, so at least those ones can be done... maybe.

Happy New Year, everyone!

"12/12/12 is the last repetitive date we'll see for a long time!"

   I think a reflective blog post is in order because I haven't posted anything that didn't involve goofing off, overexposing my life or shameless self-promotion in months. Ok, so I know that I still have 19 days left in the year before I should be posting this blog, but who's really counting (I'm looking at all my fellow Christmas enthusiasts out there!)? I feel that given the amount of time between now and my last post, there is no better time to write this than now.
   The first and foremost thing I need to point out is how grateful I am for everything that's happened this year. I have no words that can express it, honestly. I came into this year worried about school and life and will leave it with peace of mind and hope. I feel like I have grown so much as a person and as an artist, and it's ridiculous how it's happening because it's all happening so fast and in such a short amount of time that I don't even notice anything until I've looked back at everything. I've met so many fabulous people along the way, taken on so many amazing projects, and learned so many things about myself, my major and my craft. I've had so many things occur that made me realize each time why I do what I do and why I can't do anything else. I've never been so developed from the past, pleased with the present, and so excited and scared for the future than this year.
   I don't really know how to sum up this awesome year, so instead of even attempting I'm just going to make a list of all the highlights.

1. I've built my resume up from a little baby high school/community theater experience resume to getting about 10 professional credits to my name. I've done 5 short films (two featureds, two supportings, and one principal), 3 commercials (FIT Weight Loss, Club Reduce, and Early Voting), and 2 plays (one was a regional tour!).
2. I got my YouTube channel up and running (now if only I posted videos more often).
3. I passed Financial Accounting. And then this semester I passed Managerial Accounting!
4. I won an award in one of my student organizations.
5. I met and worked with so many amazing, talented, interesting people that have changed my life and made me realize why I do what I do! I will forever hold them in my heart.
6. I outgrew my hometown. This sounds bad, but it's actually good because I learned that I'm more of afraid of boredom and stagnation than I am of leaving my comfort zone.
7. I successfully changed my major and got my academics back on track.
8. I got my first apartment... with my own room... and my own bathroom!
9. I said goodbye to an old family member, and welcomed a new one!
10. I took my first vacation in two years!
11. I've gotten to see a lot of my friends start the next chapters of their lives, and now I can't wait for mine.
12. I've learned more about myself as an individual and I'm slowly learning to be more comfortable with it all.
And finally...
13. I've learned that no matter what happens, the show must go on!

Can't wait for 2013. Let's keep the creative projects, the "Aha!" moments, and the inspiration coming!

I added some pictures to describe my year. It's a little bit long...

New Youtube Video

  So, completely by surprise I decided to post a new video. Luckily, it didn't take me six hours to complete this one because everything went very smoothly on the technical end. Needless to say I'm pleased with the end result this time around.

They Can't Take That Away From Me

On Unplugging and Another Reason Why I Can't Have Nice Things

10. I can't have nice things because I'm too preoccupied with Internetland to appreciate them (you can read the other nine reasons here). 


I had to delete my Facebook. Whoopee.

  This isn't the first time it's happened (obviously). My usual reason is that I realize after ten posts in one day for days in a row that I'm spending too much time on the internet instead of focusing on my studies. This is followed by an unsuccessful attempt to just not log on for a few days, which is then followed by a two-week-or-so Facebook deactivation to get myself refocused. Once I begin to stay focused and the work/goof off balance has been restored, I reactivate my Facebook. It's a vicious cycle that happens repeatedly as a means to stay productive. But this time it's over a far bigger crisis than three rigorous exams in the same week (hard to imagine a crisis larger than that, I know).
  I'm not going to get into details of what happened, but I'm am going to say that I sometimes think social media is ruining my life. Sometimes might be an understatement. Slowly and surely, my ability to have a personal relationship with people is deteriorating and being replaced with a 'Like' button, comments from people who barely know me that I really don't know, and random pointless hashtags. It's very unsettling to me. Have I really lost my ability to keep in touch with people while still keeping a productive daily life? It really looks that way.
  What's even worse is that 3/4 of my friends list consist of people I've met once or never see. I think that's mainly because I am connected to close friends and family as well as business connections. As an actor/marketing professional, it's crucial for me to keep all these connections, and what better way than to add them on Facebook? The annoying part is that as much as I want to be myself, I really can't be completely because it costs me job opportunities, and sometimes friendships. Sure, I could make another Facebook for business and keep the other one for close friends and family, but with school and work I really don't need or want the extra hassle just yet (that's what I made this blog for!).
  I have to admit, nothing is more freeing than deleting my Facebook, even if it's only for a short while. It's almost like some mystery has been established between my life and other people's when they don't see me in their news feed or on their friends list anymore. When I'm on one of these hiatuses, the important people always text me and ask where I've gone. I always appreciate that because I know they're thinking of me.
  The whole thing is also dichotomous. It's freeing, but at the same time I've never felt so alone and disconnected from the world as I do right now. It hits me every time and is usually the reason why I cave and reactivate the damn thing after two weeks. I don't why this is, considering all the important people know that I'm okay and that's all that should matter. I need to be back "in touch" with all three-hundred and eighty-something people, almost like I'm using this impersonal virtual thing as a means of knowing I'm not really alone in the world. Most of these people aren't even my friends, either. Less than one-tenth of them are going to be around for the most important events in my life, and vice versa. But I get this sense of security and validation from interacting virtually with these mostly unimportant people. It's a very false sense of security.
  This is where social media is ruining my life. I've forgotten how to make an effort to maintain my friendships and I'm starting to miss out on actual real things and actual real people. And it's pathetic. In no way should something this impersonal be destroying the foundations of my life, my relationships with people, the people who ultimately matter the most. Once it gets to this point, I need to unplug and rethink my priorities in my personal life as I do with my schoolwork. So I will need to cope with this false loneliness for a little bit while I sort out my personal life and learn that I'm not really lonely. That's fine with me.


On the plus side, my Twitter (@Miss_Lexi_Lee) doesn't ruin my life. Because Twitter is silly. But you should follow me anyway.

Dream a Little Dream of Me

   I finally got the guts to post a video of me singing. This is the start of a series to help me get my voice out to the public and start branding myself as a performer. The bad news is that I'm posting it in my blog because I'm too chicken s*** to post the video directly to my Facebook page. I'm a stickler for people just coming to see me perform live rather than posting a crappy video that doesn't do my voice any justice. It's because I'm my own worst critic. I'll cry you a river sometime.
   The quality is really terrible because I have a crappy PC and I have no idea how to manipulate the sound without getting all kinds of feedback. You'll also notice a very irritating whooshing noise coming from my laptop's vent. I guess it's time to take a can of WD-40 to that bad boy. If anyone has tips and tricks to better the sound quality of my videos, please enlighten me. Pretty please. I've spent 2 hours trying to make this video somewhat good. I've been a singer the majority of my life, but I feel like I'm only as good a singer as the quality of my videos. It's depressing me. Seriously.