You Know You're a Grownup When...

  I haven't posted anything in a while, and for some reason whenever I get around to it I almost always happen to be in a bad mood or intensely pensive about something. I figured I'd post something lighthearted and funny. I know a lot of my friends can relate to this because we're all pretty much in the same boat. I got the idea from the blog of a high school classmate to whom I am subscribed.

Without further ado.

You Know You're a Grownup When...

1. You actually make an effort to make sure your room is in at least a state of ordered chaos because you feel that excessive clutter doesn't match the furniture in your bedroom.
2. You have guilt about leaving messes in somebody's house, leading me to #3.
3. You tidy up your room and bathroom without your parents having to ask.
4. You shake your head with disapproval at the lack of fruits and vegetables in your parents' fridge.
5. You actually enjoy grocery shopping.
6. You don't mind cooking for yourself. You also don't mind not cooking for yourself. You also don't mind going without dinner because you're too lazy to cook for yourself.
7. Seeing dust on the furniture and messes in the kitchen make you crazy.
8. You put your laundry away instead of leaving it in a "neat" pile on the floor (!!!).
9. You become health-conscious because you're afraid you'll end up spending your life savings and then some on medical care.
10. Staying in and watching movies become your favorite thing to do on Friday night rather than clubbing.

Clearly clutter doesn't go with the theme of this room.

Maybe the guilt is from Audrey Hepburn staring into my soul...

Mind you, these are very minor and a lot of these are particular to my personality type.

Don't fret though, I still am very much a kid in other ways.

1. I still watch Disney movies. And I sing along to them. Spongebob is my favorite cartoon. Don't judge me.
2. I revel in the glory of being able to eat cake and chocolate for breakfast without anyone having a say otherwise. I don't actually do that, but I could if I wanted to!
3. I enjoy having my apartments/houses to myself solely for the purpose of dancing around in my underwear.
4. I would still wear bows in my hair if I had bows to wear in my hair.
5. The "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" series cracks me up.
6. I dance in front my mirror to my ipod while lip syncing into my hair brush. Still (You know you do, too! You just won't admit to it.).
7. I'm still not ready to part with my stuffed animals. Again, don't judge me.
8. I don't understand why everyone is getting married. No, please. Enlighten me on what your hurry is.

I can't believe I posted this on the internet. At least they're all hidden in the corner.

I guarantee there's more. I'll probably continue this post later on or something.

Stupid-Girl-Wedding-Obsession Syndrome

  I really think I'm coming down with something. I have been hankering to make a pinboard dedicated to wedding stuff and I'm getting increasingly more annoyed with people my age getting engaged/married. It's happening. I'm becoming one of THOSE girls. You know what I'm talking about.
  After the romantic ideals of my last relationship never happened (a very rude awakening, I might add), I vowed to never become that girl. I vowed to be the smart, ambitious, independent woman who focused on her career, paid all her own bills and got her master's degree before even thinking about anything wedding related. I'm 22 years old, none of that has even nearly been accomplished, yet I'm being suckered into the commercialist romanticized ideas of the wedding industry and all things wedding. This is not good. What is wrong with me?! With the sky-high divorce rate and constant complaints about married life out of the mouths of married people, marriage scares me. Any inkling of having to settle down and give up my freedom makes me sick to my stomach.
  And I don't even like weddings that much. Like, at all. I think they are over-glamorized, materialistic, and start way more drama than they are supposed to. And they're expensive! I will admit though, they do give me a good excuse to make use of some of the dresses I otherwise have no use for, get creative with my hair and dance for a good five or so hours. But the whole reality of awkward forced interaction with people you don't know because you're all stuck together at the miscellaneous misfit table really just turns me off to them. Let's face it, we've all been that person of whom the lucky couple has no real attachment to who's really only there as a warm body to help fill the venue (Or because your groomsmen boyfriend needs a date... that jerk. I'm not bitter.).
  But I'd really like to know what's with the constant preoccupation with them? Girls obsess over their weddings from the time they are born because that's what we're supposed to do, according to fairy tales and society. I don't understand why girls see their wedding day as the be-all, end-all best day of their lives. Like it's some sort of rite of passage into real womanhood, right up there with reaching menarche. They obsess about the details of the wedding and some even yell at everyone within a 2-mile radius, but until the rings have been exchanged, the bouquet has been tossed and wedding night merriment has taken place, they never stop to think about the kind of marriage they're going to have after it's all said and done.
  What gets me even more is that in a woman's life, there will be several "best days" of her life, not just her wedding day. And it varies per woman, too (believe it or not!)! For some, the best days of your life will be the day you bring your children into the world, get to the top of the corporate ladder, or get noticed for an accomplishment that changes the face of humanity. For some the best days of your life will be high school or college (if that's the case, then I feel very sorry for you). And yes, for women who go into it for the right reasons, the day you join lives with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. But until then, we need to stop occupying ourselves with idealistic romantic notions and the perception that weddings are the key to happiness. Seriously, I'm getting suckered into it at a point in my life where I'm not ready. If it doesn't stop, I'm spending my life savings hiring a doctor to perform a mercy killing.

You all think I'm kidding.

Post-Show Withdrawal

  I am starting to go through show withdrawals since Rocky Horror closed this weekend. Mind you, the show will be opening in Orlando in three weeks, but I still have no freaking clue what to do with myself. I spent all week studying and basking in the idea of not having anything to do with my nights but relax and chill, but now that Friday has rolled around and I'm hanging out at home, everything is hitting me at once.

  I seem to have an unhealthy relationship with shows closing. Usually when a show closes, I start getting excited that I have nothing to do, but it's usually followed by some sort of depression where I question what I'm doing with my life and if I'm ever going to amount to anything. I proceed to pick my life apart and wonder why I'm not doing enough, why I'm so unimportant off the stage, why I'm unmotivated to make myself important off the stage, why I can't get myself a job, why companies are hiring stupid people over competent people like myself (some of the customer service here is so bad it blows my mind how these people get hired in the first place!), and when I'll ever amount to anything. It then turns into this drawn out period of boredom and self-loathing all because I have some sort of time void that I'm doing an awful job of filling.

  It's also a point in time where my brain kicks into overdrive about other things too. I've managed to come up with a list of goals for my summer, of which I am going to post soon enough, as well as a list of things that shouldn't freak me out but do anyway. The latter of those two is quite funny, I promise you. So funny that instead of posting an entire list, I'm going to just post them as they come to me A) because I like the idea of starting a series and B) because it gives me incentive to post on this thing regularly.

Goals For The Summer:

1. Work and save up money so I don't have to take out loans my last year of school
2. Sell most of the estate sale items that are piled up in the garage
3. Start auditioning for agents (this one gives me the worst anxiety... I'll touch on that later)
4. Hopefully do some films at FSU (completely out of my control, hence the keyword 'hopefully')
5. Webcam karaoke series on Youtube. I'm trying to get my voice out more for people to hear, because lezbehonest, I'm a far better singer than actor by far and I should be noticed for that first. However, due to my overly critical, perfectionistic nature, even after 18+ years of being a singer, posting videos of myself singing for EVERYONE to see makes me even more nitpicky than if I were to just perform live. I have managed to post a video of myself singing the National Anthem on Youtube. I'll post the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IiIDZkLf-Y&feature=plcp&context=C42213aeVDvjVQa1PpcFMDHVqZ2-SVS6ZtnBeXl5XksP2Y9fVcsqE%3D
6. Keep up with my fitness routine and diet. This is crucial because it's the summer, it's gonna be 100 degrees out, and I need to keep my motivation to continue running.

Things That Shouldn't Freak Me Out But Do Anyway #1 and #2

1. Auditions. I believe I touched on this one on my Facebook status this morning. Auditions make me a nervous wreck. This has to do with being a perfectionist. I think it's carried over from my childhood, when I had anxiety and nerves about performing in front of people. I sang a solo in front of my church when I was in elementary school, and I haven't been the same since my mom played the tape back that afternoon and I listened to my own voice for the first time. I hated the sound of my voice, and because of that I didn't want to sing for my family when they asked. Listening to myself sing still makes me cringe, and I HATE watching myself act in plays, too. Watching the DVD of my performance in Evita scarred me for life. I think since that afternoon I've become my own worst critic and worst enemy, which in turn has sapped my potential to have fun at auditions. I'm getting better though, both at auditioning and handling auditions. Black Comedy callbacks last semester were a lot of fun, the most fun I've ever had at any audition.
2. ATM buttons at the FSU ATMs. I don't know if I'm the only one who's noticed this, but why do ATM buttons beep so loudly?! Or the ones on FSU's campus, anyway. Seriously! I don't want to draw attention to the fact that I'm withdrawing money from my bank account! God forbid someone hears the buttons and decides to stand looking over my shoulder for my account information. It's even worse if you have to withdraw cash at night, before you go to the movies or to a club or something. It's one of those things that screams "I have valuables! Come rob me!" Think about it!

I'm going to continue to post on things that freak me out as time goes on.

Please watch my video. It took a lot of courage to post that, and it's a wonder I've kept it up for almost a year without taking it down.

Movin' On Up

I was contacted by an MFA producer yesterday. He noticed my extra work in previous MFA and BFA films and told me his director wants to use me as a featured extra in a Master's Thesis film! Master's. Thesis. Film. I'm getting somewhere slowly and surely. People are noticing my work and my reliability and I'm getting bigger roles.
The best part is that they're willing to work around my schedule!

Annoying Whiny Baby Entry

I feel like I'm drowning in mediocrity this semester. I have yet to get an A on any exams I've taken, but tons of B's. I'm near broke. I'm getting job interviews, but have not landed a job. I have school, a paid gig touring in a play, a lead role in a film, and a job waiting for me this summer, yet I feel like I'm not doing enough with my life. That A I thought I got on my Accounting exam last night? It was a 79%! I have to take the GRE this summer. I'm a horrible test taker when it comes to math. Prep classes for the GRE exam come down to $1200, or else I'd be in class several days a week! I have to start thinking of grad schools and audition pieces for them. What if I don't get into any? Then what am I going to do? And what's worse is that because I haven't found a job up in Tallahassee, I have to return home this summer. I don't want to come home. I feel completely useless when I'm home. Everyone in my family is going to remind me that I'm not doing enough because I'm off from school and only working. I'm also never going to hear the end of changing my major. This is only going to exacerbate my problems. Please God let me get a job now!

Becoming a professional hobo sounds better than coming home this summer.

Things Happen For a Reason

  It's really funny how things work out. I have this fortunate way of being in the right place at the right time, right before or after that place becomes or was the wrong place to be.

  Last night at around 11:07 pm, there was an armed robbery on campus by The Leach Center. This is really no surprise being as Tallahassee is notorious for robberies after hours, and there's at least one on FSU's campus every other week. I was exhausted and had just gotten out of rehearsal maybe seven minutes prior (I was at the Fireplace, mind you, which is on the other end off-campus a few streets, not really coincidental), thankful that the huge typhoon that poured down around 9:30 was over. I got into my car and upon discovering that I didn't have my phone, started shuffling through the mess on my floor in a panic. I have an issue with misplacing my things sometimes, with my phone being the most recent thing I leave behind. It's a problem, I know. Anyway, I forget my phone and this causes a delay in time it takes for me to get back to my dorm, which is probably less than 1/4 mile from the Leach Center. But here's another kicker: I can't find parking in both lots outside my hall, so I have to drive to the Woodward Garage, which is a little bit of a walk, and also not too far from the Leach Center.

  I finally get a parking spot on the 2nd floor, I walk back to my hall as fast as I can with my giant visible purse and no phone to call 911 with in case of an emergency, intent on checking my apartment for it (I left it on my desk). It was probably about 11:15 when I got in. About 8 minutes after said robbery occurred. Whoa.

  It was quite inconvenient to get delayed in getting home from the Fireplace because I thought I lost my phone and then couldn't find parking. But as luck would have it, this delay saved me from a dangerous situation. It's like God was thinking "Ok, so there's gonna be a robbery around 11:07 tonight. Knowing you, you're gonna forget your phone because you're tired today and a little forgetful. Then because of the thunderstorm, there won't be any parking by your hall because everyone will decide to either stay in or come home early. This will give you time to get to the Woodward garage while the robbers flee off of campus. Don't worry, though. There will be a close spot on the 2nd floor for you. Keep your pepper spray in your hand if it makes you feel better. Your phone will be on your desk where you left it. Now try not to forget it next time, ok?"

Wow, everything really does happen for a reason.

Newly-Liberated Self

I think I'm well on my way out of being a people pleaser.

  I've noticed that I've become more assertive and brutally honest with people. I'm attributing this to being on my own and taking my own needs into consideration, something I never used to do until I was way beyond meltdown point. I also don't tolerate bullcrap from people as much, and I have a much easier time communicating when someone's being a jerk. So, don't give me problems unless you'd like to hear it from my mouth in raw form.
  The truth of the matter is that I simply don't care anymore. I mean, I care, but no longer to the extent of fragility over what people will think of me. Don't get me wrong, I still have plenty of consideration for how people might feel when you tell them something they might not want to hear. Believe me, I've been at the tail end of brutal honesty more times in my life than I can remember and I  know how badly it sucks. I'm just not going to tell people what they want to hear anymore. If you ask my honest opinion on something, I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you what's wrong, how it can be bettered, and then I'm going to move on.
  There comes a certain point in your life where you start to evaluate people and situations into two categories: worth the heartache and not worth the heartache. Most things simply aren't worth the heartache to me anymore. Now, I'm not saying people don't still piss me off like they used to. Believe me, if I had a nickel for every time I wanted to punch someone in the face for being stupid, especially recently, I'd probably own the bank. But letting these things weigh on my mind isn't worth the heartache. I'm learning the art of letting go.
  Patrick thinks this new me could be dangerous, but I kind of like this new girl more than the old girl. The old girl, upon criticism or insult, would get overly defensive or call up every one of her friends and complain and whine about the situation while never directly saying a word to her critic. She would let something little like that pain her for days, weeks even. I've learned to say what's on my mind, then let the situation go. It's great.

I feel liberated.