Currently playing in a loop in my head...

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make a move, I'm shaking off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years

Steady hands, just take the wheel
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal
For the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, ohhh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here, not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're trying to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could

Steady feet, don't fail me now
I'm a-run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here, not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see

My Original Open Letters to Annoying People Part 1...

Dear Idiots Who Sit Behind Me in Economics and Talk the Whole Period,

  Hey! Long time, no speak! Ever. Remember me? I'm the quiet girl who sits in front of you in Econ that you probably don't remember because we've never even spoken or exchanged glances. Come to think of it, you've never even heard of me before, or of anybody in our class for that matter. Hmmm, wonder why that is. OH! Because you're too busy conversing amongst yourselves as if there's nobody else around who can hear you. Well, I just want to introduce myself and tell you to SHUT THE HELL UP! Seriously! Could you BE any louder? Is there no better time for you to chit chat? What the frick is so important that's keeping you from being lost in the topic of supply and demand and personal finance? Are the number of drinking games you played last night so much more interesting than econ that you have to practically freaking announce it to everyone within a 50-ft radius? Can you not wait until after the class is over to catch up on the mundane details of your idiotic frat-boy lifestyle?

Let's see, how can we fix this? Since you seem to be so hell-bent on disrespecting our professor and making myself and the rest of the class distracted from learning anything with your comments on "that one girl's rack," maybe to make up for lost time I can distract you from your next game of beer pong. Yeah I think I'll stand directly behind you and give a detailed unabriged analysis of the novel I wrote a research paper about for my senior project. How do you like those apples? What? You wouldn't? You mean that's not what people do at parties? Well that's too bad, respectful people don't babble on and on about their poor use of their spare time loudly IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS.

Don't get me wrong here, occassionally I find myself slipping out of focus too. I wouldn't expect any less from a bunch of exhausted college students. But that's not my point. At least I do it discreetly and don't turn to have a side conversation about how I could care less about college and am only going because my parents are paying for it! Most people turn to doodling, or Facebooking. You might try that. Your classmates might appreciate it.

Sincerely,

The Fed Up Quiet Girl Who Sits in Front of You

Open Letter to The Monthlies

Dear Monthlies,

  We haven't spoken in a while, have we? How are you? Hope all is well. As for myself, I cannot complain. Normally. Right now, I could though.

  Usually when you arrive I do not complain very much. Or I haven't had to as of the last few years. Your visits are brief and you are normally very mild-mannered and grateful that I am letting you throw off my groove, if you know what I mean. You also throw me off-balance quite gently and are very accomodating about leaving everything the way it was when you arrived, given my attitiude about exercise when I have your company. As much as I appreciate your timeliness every month and kind indication that all is well and normal in utero, I really do have one request to make: Could you let up on the apetite changes a little?? I mean really! I understand that I am a big eater and require eating frequently to accomodate my fast metabolism so that I don't waste away, but is it really necessary that my apetite skyrocket up to preposterous heights?

  It is bad enough that fatigue and abdominal cramps prevent me from hitting the gym to maintain what little muscle mass I have spent three months working for. Now you have to make it worse by making my cravings for sweets increase one-hundredfold?? I must have eaten at least 600-800 calories worth of chocolate and cookies today! Oh, and let's not forget the 7-8 breakfast pastries I had for breakfast while at The Big Event this morning! Really not good for the health kick I've been on lately. I let you take residence in my endocrine system and wreak all kinds of havoc, including but not limited to potentially screwing up my personal relationships, and all I get in return is a bloated stomach and having to start my workout routine from square one. Thanks for nothing, really.

Your very bitter arch-enemy,

Lexi

P.S. If I end up boarding up or tearing out the guest house any time in the next 15 years, you'll know why. Have a nice cycle.

Insomnia

It's a quarter to midnight, I have class at 9:30 tomorrow, and lo and behold I can't sleep. Too much on my mind. A lot of nerves and anxiety. A lot's gone on since I left, and there are things coming up that I'm getting the good ol' mean reds about. This is gonna sound weird, but it actually feels really good to blog; writing has become therapeutic lately, and I don't know why I haven't stuck to it. People seem to find it annoying when others post their every mundane detail on the internet, but as long as that person isn't being too graphic or rude I see nothing wrong with expressing feelings. We're all entitled to them, after all.

I guess since I've spent a whole paragraph beating around the bush I guess I should admit the reason for my insomnia. I'm sure more than a few people have noticed that I've been a pain in the ass lately. A big one. I've been really negative and whiny and irritating, like nonstop. I don't need anyone to confirm it for me, I've noticed it the duration I've been away. First my parents, then my friends, maybe my roommate, and I'm positive a majority of the year I've been on my boyfriend's last nerve for sure. Hell, I've shot my own nerves, you know there's a problem when that happens. I could probably attribute it to a lot of things right now, but I've already tried to rationalize, introspect, make excuses, and search for psychological personality complexes ad nauseam and quite frankly I'm tired of it. I just want to start over. Now.

I've been a pain in ass towards people starting with my parents, and it's gradually worked its way out to my social circle and probably those outside the circle on Facebook. I can't help but feel that people are sick of me; I would be too. Well, to the people whose patience I've worn down, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, parents. I'm sorry, roommate. I'm sorry, boyfriend. I'm sorry, friends. I'm sorry, people on Facebook. I'm sorry, self. I'm sorry I've done nothing but complain in some way shape or form since I got here. Sorry I let myself relapse from what was a happier state. Sorry I tried to find a scapegoat for my issues. Sorry for everything. :(

I don't know, I just needed that out of my system. Now I just need sleep in my system. Now.

Boredom At Its Finest

This is my current coping mechanism for my state of boredom. I went on Google and typed in "nom nom nom" and looked through the images sections. I ended up saving a bunch of really hilarious pictures because I'm a dork and would rather do dorky things than be in bed sleeping like all them old people :P

That said, here is what I found:

Cute little bunny noms!

Kirby!

This one is kind of horrible, yet funny.

This one looks more like reverse nomming, which is fancy, made-up slang for barfing...

Too cute...

Bahahahaha there are no words!

 Needless to say, not much is going on at my end of the internet. Ooh! I also saw this picture of a rubix cube sandwich:

This is completely irrelevant to this post, however this is too awesome not to post. It was under the "nom nom nom" Google images, so technically it is semi-relevant. It is also a clear indicator of how hungry I am and how desperately I need to go grocery shopping.

That is all.

New Perspective on Aging

 Today I watched my dad's partner skydive. I was a little iffy about going myself, so I didn't. Plus it's $275, which is money I can't afford to spend at this time. After seeing for myself how fun it really is, and how your stomach doesn't do flip-flops after you jump out, I totally want to go. I wouldn't jump by myself just yet because I don't have the experience, but I would have an instructor. Plus, you can get it on DVD. Hello, bragging rights!

 Anywho, before he boarded I saw the coolest thing in the world. There was this group of 70 year-old men in the group before him that were all dressed up their jumpsuits with their gear all ready to go. They were the most badass group of old guys I'd ever seen. They were regulars. 70 years old and jumping out of planes as a hobby. I only hope I am this cool when I'm old.

I've been thinking... which is dangerous...

I'm in one of those funks again of which I can't get out without annoying people on Facebook and anyone within a 5-mile radius. Time to make myself scarce and begin keeping myself occupied to the max. Things to prepare myself for:
1. Film School Auditions in April
2. Summer job auditions at Busch Gardens (my main focus is securing that job for sure!)
3. If Busch Gardens doesn't work out, auditions at Universal Studios.
4. Submitting to talent agencies
5. If none of those work, then I'm going to have to find some other performing job that pays, or find somewhere relating to Dietetics to volunteer at so I can secure an internship and have my backup taken care of... ish.
6. Getting a job for the fall and spring of next year
7. Volunteer work and CHICS
8. Heavy gym workouts
9. Getting straight A's and if not that, A's and B's.
10. Maybe doing Relay For Life, provided film school auditions are also still the following weekend and I can do the weekend after Relay instead of the morning after staying up for 18 hours straight, should I decide to even do Relay.
11. Talking to advisors about the film studies, theater, and music minors

Maybe I'll have a social life in there somewhere, provided I don't barricade myself away too much. We'll see.